Building Stronger Bonds: How Intimacy Heals & Improves Relationships
Let’s explore together how deepening intimacy can mend and revitalize your love.
Originally published in Illumination Curated, May 14, 2024
Every moment and each conversation is an opportunity to make a profound difference in your life and simultaneously in your relationships. Intimacy offers harmony and a way to reconcile relationships, especially given the existing anger and polarization in our society and world.
Intimacy is the feeling of being in a close, emotionally connected, and supported relationship. Communication, the exchange of information, is the segue to intimacy. However, some can disagree that communication is often misinterpreted.
Unfortunately, not taking advantage of the power of intimacy can escalate hatred or subjugation of others. Mary Catherine Bateson described this process in the publication Edge ( January 18, 21) as an application of her father’s research on how conflict produces divisions, which he called Schismogenesis:
“It is what happens in an arms race. You have a point of friction, where you feel threatened by another nation. So, you get a few more tanks. They look at that and say, ‘They’re arming against us,’ and they get a lot more tanks. Then you get more tanks. And they get more tanks or airplanes or bombs, or whatever it is.”
In general, this is intimacy interrupted.
Mainstream suggestions to resolve miscommunication and conflict put the onus on the individual. Although well-intentioned, they tell us to be empathic, think before we speak, be better listeners, and so on. All these have had limited success despite our natural tendency to desire improved relationships.
When studying anthropology, I was greatly influenced by the work of systemic thinking pioneers such as Margaret Mead, Irving Goffman, Ray Birdwhistell, and Paul Byers, to mention a few, as I wrote about before.
They emphasized that it is all about relationships, and as Gregory Bateson famously stated, “It takes two to know one.” They studied brain rhythms and did frame analysis of films to explain human interaction and minute body movements. In general, they all believed there is potential for synchronization when communication is collaborative and interdependent.
Collaboration manifests within or between individuals, that liminal space where what was thought to be unknown is just hidden information that rises from the collective reservoir that our species shares. When this occurs, we can understand how interdependent we are with each other and nature itself.
Nora Bateson, President of the International Bateson Institute, describes this process as “‘symmathesy,” which generates mutual learning contexts through the process of interaction between multiple variables in a living entity.”
Nora advocates for “Warm Data, information about the interrelationships that integrate elements of a complex system.” Gregory Bateson says, “In truth, the right way to begin to think about the pattern which connects is to think of it as a dance of interacting parts. . .”
This process supports a human biological connection, in and out of awareness, which opens the door to intimacy. It is the feeling of good vibrations. In other words, it is like an orchestra working together for a common sound.
When we communicate in such a “win-win” manner, we join and entrain our inner vibrations physically and emotionally within every context we experience. However, old habits die hard, and individuals and institutions need support, structure, and encouragement to collaborate freely (see my recent article for details).
Why do unfulfilled intimacy and communication fill up psychotherapy offices and are reported daily in our media outlets? Could it be our socio/political culture favoring content over context?
With content, we are constantly forced to make choices between good or bad, yes or no, which creates adversarial outcomes and fragmentation. Content depends on static nouns. Context, on the other hand, is driven mostly through verbs that encourage interactions and is where life evolves with unlimited possibilities.
A Case Reflection in My Experience: From Conflict to Connection
Jacob and Sally, a couple in their mid-forties and fifteen years together, sought couples therapy in my practice. They both grew up witnessing unresolved parental arguments, mirroring this pattern in their own relationship: escalating conflict with no resolution.
Each possessed a temperament that vacillated between aesthetic appreciation and explosive anger. Despite their professional and social success, their relationship lacked commitment, equitable decision-making, and intimacy.
Their goal in therapy was to communicate effectively and resolve differences. After exploring their family histories and practicing relaxation techniques, I prompted them to reflect on their experiences during arguments.
This unearthed shared feelings of fear and surprising revelations about their physical posturing. They engaged in mirroring exercises to enable connection, simulating synchrony they lacked.
Over subsequent sessions, I continued using prompts and encouraged improvised storytelling. For the first time, they recognized how their communication style and past experiences hindered their relationship. This newfound awareness sparked a connection and an understanding of their interdependence.
The following sessions focused on maintaining positive, win-win communication about everyday emotions. They both acknowledged that their shared desire for change created a space for deeper understanding and connection.
Importance of Interactive Prompts
As Stephen Nachmanovitch suggests, you can use your improvisational skills, which can “ liberate us but also terrify us.” Through storytelling and shared experiences, we can deepen our connection and create a more fulfilling relationship.
Also, nurture and release those hidden feelings with your poetic expression, as poet Maria Mazziotti Gillian suggests, “. . start from a different place, a place controlled by instinct rather than by intelligence.”
What arises are your distinct poems, which, according to Frederick Buell, author of From Apocalypse To Way Of Life, “…come both by and with gentle or dramatic surprise — surprise that indicates they exceed the will even of their creator.”
Don’t be afraid of creating stories to heal and learn from each other. Ursula K. Le Guin believed:
"In the tale, in the telling, we are all one blood. Take the tale in your teeth, then, and bite till the blood runs, hoping it’s not poison, and we will all come to the end together, and even to the beginning: living, as we do, in the middle."
Keep a journal of your responses and insights for your personal use or share them mutually with another through a give-and-take dialogue. Remember, collaboration and harmony start with what emerges within that space between us.
Based on such experiences, I’d like to offer some interactive prompts that you can use with your partners.
Sample Interactive Prompts for Improving Intimacy
Here are some prompts to help create possibilities within specific contexts that open the way to enhance intimacy.
Describe how your temperament has influenced your communication style and your friendships. Think about moments when you felt that you were not heard or having your point understood. What were the circumstances of this interaction?
Leaving words aside, go back to the previous moment and think about what was happening non-verbally. What was your posture and how were others looking and standing? How might this situation have been more conducive to getting your message heard?
Conversely, think about a situation when you felt good while conversing. How was this experience different than the previous one?
What are some of the causes that hinder collaboration in your relationships? What emotional traits best describe your communication style? What unique qualities do you possess regarding communication?
Think of improvisational ways you can create contexts to be collaborative. What barriers would you encounter and how can you avoid them?
Imagine you are volleying with another in a very important moment of communication. What would you need to keep the conversation going in a way that creates a win-win moment?
How would you communicate with another person regarding the need to maintain a collaborative situation? How would being more of a collaborator affect your emotional and physical well-being? How did you push through obstacles and produce outcomes you may have thought impossible?
Imagine how your life may be enhanced if you take a moment each day and look beyond your immediate view, feelings, tastes, smells, and touches. In what ways do you believe you can step above content to create a more holistic view of your surroundings? How have situations where content was emphasized at the expense of context, negatively affected you?
A Non-Verbal Interactive Exercise
Stand directly facing a partner. Place your left foot forward, and your right foot remains behind, pointing slightly to the right. You are now mirroring each other in a traditional martial art bow stance.
Keep eye contact and, simultaneously, move your right foot forward, pivoting so your right foot is now your lead foot and your left foot swings around, reversing its position and pointing slightly to the left.
You are now again mirroring each other and keeping eye contact. Repeat this ten times like a dance movement, helping each other keep moving in synchrony. You can learn about the details of synchrony from the research of psychologist Dr
.
If agreeable, after achieving this mutually shared movement, give a thirty-second silent hug, holding each other’s shoulders or a handshake, either way keeping eye contact. Afterward, discuss your experience with this exercise.
Conclusions and Takeaways
The journey toward intimacy offers a sustainable path to reconcile relationships amidst our prevalent anger and polarization. Intimacy, defined by close emotional connection and supported relationships, is intricately tied to effective communication, which unfortunately often gets misinterpreted.
Drawing insights from the research of pioneers like Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, we recognize that true intimacy flourishes in collaborative, interdependent communication, facilitating synchronization and understanding of our interconnectedness.
Through interactive prompts and exercises introduced in this post, we can navigate past communication barriers, encouraging a win-win dynamic that nurtures harmony and connection.
As we embrace the holistic view of context over content, we pave the way for profound changes in our relationships, embodying the essence of collaboration and harmony in every interaction.
Think about what Mahatma Gandhi so eloquently shared and how the above exercises can affect communication and intimacy.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts; your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions; your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values; your values become your destiny.”
Here are the final prompts that you can discuss with your partners.
If our relationship were a song, what would it sound like?
Imagine your love story as a dance. What kind of dance would it be?
If you could create a magical world together, what would it look like?
What is one unspoken truth you wish to share with your partner?
Describe a moment with your partner in your relationship that felt like pure magic.
If we were to write a book about your love, what would be the title?
Thank you for reading my story. I wish you happy and healthy relationships.
References
Bateson, Gregory (1972). Steps to an Ecology of Mind, The University of Chicago Press, Chicago, Illinois
Nachmanovitch, Stephen (2019). The Art of Is: Improvising as a way of life, New World Library, Novato, California
Bateson, Nora (2023). Combining, Triarchy Press, Devon, United Kingdom
Your list of prompts to discuss with your partner is interesting and thought-provoking. Thank you for this excellent article, Kenneth.
Ken, I loved this story so much. Thank yo for sharing it on Substack too. It is inspiring and insightful for partners.