“The Messenger* Source: (c) Natasha Rabin, used with permission

A common theme in my practice, as with many psychotherapists, is the presenting problem of not being satisfied with life, which in most cases leads to different degrees of “anxiety” and/or “depression.” This is further exacerbated by increasing societal stressors. The therapeutic goal, quite understandably, becomes how to sustain a healthy “emotional balance” with others and one’s environment.

Although it is easier said than done, an initial way of addressing this is to create a different perspective of what is maintaining a presenting concern. A prerequisite to addressing today’s emotional challenges is a recognition of what is not happening, which produces this unsatisfactory feeling.

A major barrier to resolving this are “labels” that are encouraged by cultural attitudes and diagnostic procedures from insurance and medical bureaucracies. They are just not capable of describing the multiple intricacies of being human and hinder the segue to emotional healing. We tend to over-depend on certain words (i.e., there can be hundreds of patterns of depression), all of which are needed to communicate but have limited descriptive powers, especially without context.

You have heard the saying, “The name is not the thing.” Our very own Western grammar fosters this by separating the subject and predicate. This hinders the potential to recognize our interdependency. What is needed is to find a means that can transcend language constraints by emphasizing the context rather than the content of what is occurring.

Being able to learn mutually

The question that needs to be posed and discussed is not what malady you have (i.e., depression, anxiety, etc.), but how would it be to have a healthy emotional balance? This entails a peripheral view or a wider lens to experience a profoundly different way to make sense of what produces dissatisfaction. This mode of inquiry takes into consideration the multitude of interactive issues that formerly were not considered relevant to an individual’s symptoms.

I was taught in my study of anthropology that it takes two to know one and many to know many. This encourages going beyond labels that depend on content alone. It is through our relationships that we share and learn from each other. This is how we evolve within those larger situational spaces that emerge from dialogue.

Mutual learning better informs us of how to resolve our emotional pain. Here is where we find and appreciate our interdependence with others, and how it is that we can find peace and health.

Being able to share mutually

The following is an example that benefited from creating a wider lens to resolve a pattern of chronic sadness: Samuel, 42 years old, came to see me for help. I did his Genogram (a trans-generational depiction of one’s family legacy) to understand the patterns and influences of his life. He was of Italian and Irish descent, had one sister who was much older than he, and parents who worked long hours. He had been a classic latchkey kid, spending much of his time alone.

Samuel was married, worked as a paralegal, was in individual therapy for several years prior to our session, and was prescribed medication for depression. Without going further into more family of origin details, it was clear that his past supported, and had him tolerate, this present sense of despair. The diagnosis of “depression” weighed heavily on him. He felt he was letting people down who were now overly concerned about his disposition. Consequently, he thought of himself as not being worthy.

I asked him what he was not getting in life that produced these feelings. His answer after a long pause was, “I want to be heard about all I do for my wife, parents, and my law firm.” It was apparent that there was little dialogue or discussion about these feelings with those who were important in his life.

After a few sessions in which I gained Samuel’s trust, I asked him to invite those who were most significant in his life for an extended session. He chose his parents, wife, sister, and his best friend (who worked at his law firm) for the session. I had them break the ice by creating a wider shared context, asking them each to describe different perspectives on their relationship with Samuel and for him to do the same for all those present. After coming up with a few dozen unique views, with humor and tears, there was collective respect for understanding and acknowledging each other’s role in Samuel’s life as well as for all those in the room.

From this wider lens, what came to the surface that maintained Samuel’s sadness was a pattern of communication that was informed by assumptions and projections. In this context, all were able to articulate without blame what was never discussed. It wasn’t just Samuel who benefited from this exchange, but all felt a profound change in their relationships with him.

We had a few more sessions with his parents—and then he and his wife—to initiate different contexts to move forward. Samuel responded in a positive manner, and his presenting problems changed for the better.

Being able to care for each other

Given the prevalent hardships and concerns that many of us are experiencing, it seems more than reasonable that we all need to help take care of each other in different ways. There are an infinite number of possibilities that are available to us when we break out from the dependency on labels. My suggestion is to continuously ask how is it that we may have emotional pain.

By zooming in and out with a peripheral lens, one sees the present situation and simultaneously creates a wider perspective that can identify many formerly hidden concerns. By doing this, you will have ditched linear thinking and switched to being systemic, which offers a means to make use of our mutual needs to create solutions, some of which may be unpredictable, but surely rewardable.

To sustain your journey toward a healthier balance, seek out trusted friends and/or family members who will join you through collaborative, win-win dialogue. Be open to making sense of how and when you are interdependent with others. Allow yourself the opportunity to take advantage of having a peripheral vision as you move through new contexts and the many possibilities that await you.

*This article originally appeared in my Psychology Today Blog, October 20, 2019

Relationships

Key points

• Certainty limits intimacy and blocks new possibilities in relationships and creativity.

• Embracing uncertainty fosters deeper empathy, creativity, and meaningful connections.

• Accepting ambiguity allows for mutual growth and the emergence of unique human potential.

“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.” –Ursula K Le Guin

“Creative minds exist to disrupt this false peace and force people to face reality” –James Baldwin.

“To be nobody-but-yourself—in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.” –E.E. Cummings

“Certainty” has been drilled in us as the preferred goal in Western education and industrialism. It permeates our media, politics, and marketing strategies. It is the root cause of those seeking power and the source of unresolved interrelational conflicts. Intimacy is the infinite ways to navigate the complexity of our everyday relationships. It covers the tending to the needs of others through empathy, altruism, and beyond superficial friendships.

Our Lives Can Change By Exploring New Possibilities

How would it be, for instance, if we created a different emphasis in our culture? Nora Bateson poses the question: what if we change “proving to learning from each other”? If we consider this profound change, we are opening the door to infinite contexts that are beyond mere content. It is terrain more than any map of certainty can depict. It encourages novel possibilities of interaction that can bring our hidden needs to the surface and mutually share how our commonalities are also uniquely different, yet worth sharing, as nature does to balance its simultaneous messy and beautiful existence.

Source: “Wisdom,” NatashaRabin.com, used with permission

If this is experienced in that space between us, those natural pauses that bring up the depth of our humanity, the more our lives will respond differently. Bertrand Russell insisted that the key to a fulfilling life is to “make your interests gradually wider and more impersonal, until bit by bit the walls of the ego recede, and your life becomes increasingly merged in the universal life.”

Models and absolute goals cannot attain this blending with others. They impose uniformity at the expense of the many random joys and sorrows that can be taught amongst each other. This avoids rubber-stamping what the correct way to live is, which we now know produces an emotional quilt by not meeting imposed standards. This is prevalent in mandates and how-to books regarding traditional schooling, parenting, grooming, etc.

Thomas Merton believed that spiritual growth and self-actualization require moving past rigid dogmatic formulas to embrace the mystery, vulnerability, and darkness of our relationships. The word “Sfumato,” pointed out recently by Maria Popova in her Marginalian newsletter, is an Italian Renaissance painting technique that blurred the edges of colors and tones so they transition smoothly without harsh lines. This is a great metaphor for breaking the binds that “certainty” and other cause-and-effect pressures produce by making way for our unique contributions to evolve into the infinite emergence of possibilities.

The Process of Creativity Is Our Hope for the Future

Certainty blinds us from seeing how we are all interdependent. It is hard to see how the whole of our complexity is more than what part we play in maintaining our connections to all that occurs in our social/environmental multi-contextual existence. Yet when we step outside of the cultural constraints that maintain this narrow perspective, the intuitive nature of our yearning to create is unstoppable. It is as Michelangelo would describe the dirty slabs of marble that he carted to his studio, saying to those who made fun of him that there is a beautiful statue in here. It is seeing the landscape from a single grain of sand, as William Blake poetically expressed, or Walt Whitman believing that a “leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars.”

“Georgia “O K” Source: NatashaRabin.com, used with permission

Although accepting certainty indoctrinates us into the temptation of a false sense of security, the outcome produces many stress factors associated with emotional problems that can be resolved through experiencing the creative nuances of life. Rebecca Solnit believes that not depending on prepackaged solutions creates a tolerance towards “...ambiguity and reframing unpredictability as a manageable asset rather than a threat.”

This is further underscored by Ursula K Le Guin, who advocated that “uncertainty drives us forward. The unknown, the unforetold, the unproven, that is what life is based on. Ignorance is the ground of thought. Unproof is the ground of action.”

Prompts to Encourage Mutual Learning and Understanding the Needs of Others

Relationships Essential ReadsHave you ever had trouble conforming, and what fears were associated with that pressure?

What does Nora Bateson mean when she says, “What gives her hope is to go where there is none and see the creative process take place”?

What would occur in your life if a difference that made a difference did not have the pressure of certainty?

How would Ursula K Le Guin’s quote of “The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next. Create changes in your everyday activities”?

How would your relationships and intimacy be different if you decided not to spend your life demanding clarity from the future?

What are you missing by not understanding what is in between you and another when in relationships?

How would you feel accepting that life has simultaneous contexts and many truths at the same time rather than certainty? Write a short poem to share about how this feeling can become part of your everyday life.

In what ways will you feel different if you go beyond perceiving absolute truths and allow for the infinite possibilities of our human potential to be accepted?

How do you interpret Martin Buber’s most famous quote, “All real life is meeting and that most ideas rely on high probability rather than absolute proof “?

In what ways can you describe the many contexts of intimacy?

How can solutions to problems tolerate ambiguity and reframing unpredictability rather than being a threat?

*This article originally appeared in my psychology today blog August 9, 2026

“It takes two to know one.” —Gregory Bateson

“Though many will say that the future is in the hands of the children, in fact the future lies in the relationship between the generations” - Nora Bateson

When I was a graduate student at Columbia University, I always carried Gregory Bateson’s book, Steps to an Ecology of Mind* with me. In several chapters, Gregory used what he called “Metalogues”, a dialogue between a father and daughter. What follows is my metalogue about an ecology of “Relationships” to underscore the need and benefit of mutual learning from intergenerational conversations.

“All The Grouchos”

Source: (c) Natasha Rabin

Daughter: Dad, why do you talk so much about the importance of Relationships?

Father: Hmm, good question, I remember hearing that it takes two to know one and that you need to be in relationships to do this. It is important more than ever that my generation engage with yours to share our failings and be ready to listen regarding what you think mostly matters.

D: Does that mean my generation will eventually know ourselves better through these relationships?

F: Well, we all have that potential especially for our future.

D: What stops us?

F: Well my sense is that too many in my generation view our world as having separate unrelated parts with injurious consequences such as imposing on you narrow-minded schooling, unequal distribution of wealth, and discrimination to mention a few disconcerting outcomes. This doesn't help for good communication.

D: Whew! Ok, I do hear about these things but can you show me what that means?

F: Here is an example that I learned from Aikido, which you know is the martial art that I practice. Put your fist out and push against my fist. As I put pressure on your fist, what are you doing?

D: Putting about the same amount of pressure on your fist. Not a real good feeling, we are in a stalemate.

F: Ok, I am now stopping putting pressure, what are you now doing?

D: I also stopped my pressure too, it feels safer!

F: Well force can follow force, but it can also develop room for blending in harmony.

D: I see, then pushing slowly and with less force allowed us to be gentler to each other. That can be a better way with all kinds of relationships, but can it work with what is happening that is not gentle in today's world.

F: Well you are correct but it is kind of how nature works and that is something we have to look at in a trusting way.

D: That is a big jump. I don’t get it.

F: Yes it is. If you look at the problems I mentioned before you can trace them from how my generation has been screwing around with how nature works, not just amongst ourselves but with our environment and what sustains us.

D: (Laughing), Are you saying don’t mess with mother nature?

F: At least we need to recognize how things are all interdependent in the natural world which includes us humans.

D: In what way Dad?

F: You see, what we are talking about are unresolved “conflicts,” that hinder our journey toward mutually learning and respecting each other. This unfortunately is the root of how people are not getting along.

D: I don't necessarily like conflict.

F: I can understand that, but believe it or not in nature conflict is neither bad nor good. It just is and can be the basis for creativity. All artist know this but greed and selfishness makes this difficult. When we understand that, we can communicate in a more honest manner, we may have a better chance of resolving conflicts. Importantly this includes my generation engaging more with yours.

D. Ah I get it! As you say, respecting what is between us when communicating. I like that. Most of my friends feel that your generation doesn't listen to the things we feel that are important to us.

F: I can understand that. You see, we make up our reality from our own unique perspective and then make assumptions about it when we are not mutually learning from each other. I really began to understand this when I went to the museum of Holography.

D: You mean like on Star Wars and credit cards.

F: Yes, that is part of it, a hologram contains the whole image of itself in every part, so if you have a holographic photo negative with say a picture of you and me, and we cut that negative in half what happens?

D: You already gave that one away! The whole image appears in each half!

F: I guess I did, but this is not what so many of us in my generation sadly supported with your schooling as well. We were told as parents that the whole equals the sum of the parts, but the hologram demonstrates that the whole is more than the sum of its parts. It reminds me how great artists have always been able to improvise and describe many different sometimes random possibilities in their work.

D: How so?

F: William Blake was a the multi talented artist for instance and he could see a whole landscape from a single grain of sand. He did not travel much out of his village, yet his writings and artwork are worldly.

D: Why do you think that is so?

F: It depends a lot about “being” with rather than doing things to nature and each other. This type of perspective allows for sharing and tending to the needs of others and being part of how we are all interdependently connected.

D: It sounds like we must do certain things like more listening and learning from each other. This will be a great help to my generation or we might have difficulty surviving.

F: Yes, we need to, if we understand how the consequences of our behavior affects others, we can appreciate how reciprocity between us and life can be sacred.

D: How can people start thinking this way?

F: There are many things in our world that seem to be contradictory. They are called paradoxes; and are seemingly all around us. They are the source of humor and in some ways pain, but they are different parts of the same thing, like the yin and yang, not recognizing this can stifle our relationships and make us not understand what is important especially with your generation.

D: I thought you said that nature has no opposites.

F: Yes, it really does not, but we humans especially in industrial nations like ours have tended to separate our world as if it is the only way to make sense of it. This creates and perpetuate opposites in our mind, missing how nature works to creatively resolve those inevitable paradoxes by accepting the messy and beauty that exists at the same time.

D: This seems heavy Dad, like people not understanding each other, or helping each other or climate problems and now AI not taken seriously.

F: Good point, the consequences can end up in what we call a “Double Bind.”

D: Being between a rock and a hard place?

F:Exactly!

D: Let’s get back to how relationships can help and what my generation needs to talk about.You said that it takes two to know one, what if two people lie to each other or cannot get along?

F: Another good point, that is why we also need “many to know many” learning from each other and having these conversations especially between generations is how we can recognize how we are all interdependently connected. This is the segue to help create wider perspectives to resolving those double binds.

D: What about fear and anger in relationships?

F: Our emotions are like our muscles; we have the choice of being tense and heavy or light and relaxed. Fear can be redirected like in our Aikido exercise and anger can be assertively expressed rather than this endless adversarial harm that should not be your generations inheritance.

D: That is a lesson worth learning, we have a lot of work to change that for sure.

F: Yes, which takes collaboration skills based on win-win ways rather than win-lose encounters.

D: Meaning?

F: Meaningful relationships are like a volley on a ping pong table. If I spike the ball, we both lose if the rules are win-win.

D: How?

F: I say something, you check to see if you understand it, I agree or disagree, then you say something, I check and you let me know if I got it and so forth. It is the essence of mutual learning and how we can work together to make meaningful changes

D: Another way to avoid double binds!

F: Yes, but I would include being caring, trustworthy, recognizing our interdependency and taking the time to be passionate about each other and our surroundings.

D: Sort of like the hologram but playing our part to be better at our relationships.

F: Well yes, again it depends on not seeing nature as a bunch of fragments, which is an illusion. In other words, we cannot take the grapes out of the wine as Nora Bateson said or separate ourselves from each other and our surroundings, rather we can recognize and learn from each other to understand how we are interdependent.

D: I am sorry Dad; I was dozing and missed this last part.

F: That’s fine; you helped me to get this out into the collective unconscious, and especially allowed me to apologize to you and your generation.

D: Hmm. No more questions …for now...but I believe I will have many more.

*See “An Ecology of Mind: A Daughter’s Portrait of Gregory Bateson,” a film by Nora Bateson, (Bullfrog Films) and the International Bateson Institute for information on intergenerational learning and Warm Data which is a process that encourages mutual learning about the interrelationships that integrate elements of a complex system.

https://www.warmdata.life/

**This article was repurposed, revised and expanded for 2026 to be included in Substack from an earlier version originally published in my Psychology Today Blog june 4, 2020

***See my website for information about my psychotherapy, coaching, and consulting practice and other articles, www.drkennethsilvestri.com

“And that time was like never and always:

We go where nothing is expected

and find everything waiting there.”

Pablo Neruda

“Breathing Buddha” (c) Natasha Rabin

Source: used with permission

We are constantly bombarded with words, images, and untruths that can perpetuate stress and fear in addition to the circumstances of everyday life. Political and media commentators resort to sensational and provocative messages, ignoring the more positive narratives that exist. Even the American Medical Association now officially recognizes that complicated stress is the cause of all chronic diseases. Common sense tells us that it’s time to deal with this harmful pressure.

The Art of Breathing

Breathing is one of the few ways to adjust our Autonomic Nervous System when it is stuck in “fight or flight,” fending off negative stimuli. My favorite technique is called Coherent Breathing, developed and extensively researched by Stephen Elliott, (

https://coherentbreathing.org/ )

which consists of five breaths per minute as compared to our usual average of fifteen. A bonus of this practice, especially more so when you exhale with thoughts of compassion, is that you stimulate the Vagus Nerve in a positive manner, which covers much of your upper body—from the gut to your brain—and regulates metabolism, heart rate, and general well-being. The Vagus Nerve glows when you focus on an emphatic thought and sustains a healthy Heart Rate Variable for your cardiovascular system. When the Vagus Nerve experiences these caring thoughts during exhaling, it soothes the revved up “fight or flight” sympathetic mode of your nervous system and supports the Parasympathetic calm part to do its job.

It is now believed that when the Vagus Nerve is compromised from learned responses of fear and insecurity, it can be the root of many health issues. This eventually affects the emotional and complex somatic parts of your body that determine how we live and function. (For more, see the Polyvagal Theory.)

Mindful Breathing

Here is a simple but profound exercise. It will not only extend your life but allow you to enjoy it to the fullest. Sitting or standing, relax your body from head to toe and rate how you are feeling at that moment. Breathe through your nose, filling up your stomach and gradually move your breath upward toward your chest to the count of six seconds. As you inhale, slowly raise your arms, stretching them sideways and with a circular motion bringing them upwards to above your head. Exhale through your mouth, also to the count of six seconds, while slowly bringing your arms down to your sides and thinking of something that brings you a genuine sense of compassion (raising and lowering arms is optional). Repeat this cycle five to ten times. When you finish, relax your body from head to toe, again assessing how you feel, taking note of any difference. Create a peripheral view of your environment, widening your perspective, to see beyond the confines of your surroundings. Give some thought about what is happening in your life, community, nation and the world. Try this technique as many times as possible throughout the day when resting or doing low activity work.

Benefits of Breathing

Coherent Breathing allows you to be aware of engaging your diaphragm, which we take for granted. It not only pumps blood to your heart and lungs, it provides blood flow to your digestive tract resulting in nutritional benefits. Optimal diaphragmatic breathing creates a biological balance that also supports your nervous system. If it is not functioning properly, it will be compromised and must work overtime, resulting in further havoc to your mind and body.

Research clearly supports that the consequence of using Coherent Breathing improves anxiety, PTSD, IBD, inflammatory and cardiac issues. It helps alleviate mental health patterns of schizophrenia, ADD, depression, and trauma. Most important, Coherent Breathing enhances awareness of your environment.

Here is another important benefit to focusing on Coherent Breathing: It is extraordinarily mind-opening, not only as a segue to balancing yourself, but also allowing you to perceive the messy and at the same time beautiful aspects of nature as it is meant to be experienced. We are not meant to be saving our life 24 hours a day, which hinders us from seeing the wider connections and mutual learning opportunities that are within our reach.

When we reboot our nervous system, we can better use our senses to explore that “liminal space,” the place of transition to new situations that will also serve our relationships. This space which is accessible to everyone offers an opportunity to deal with the ever present barriers to resolving problems. Unlike adversarial conflict with another that can be exponentially escalating similar to when one country brags about having five bombs and the opposing country says, oh yea I have 6 bombs and so on. Or in another scenario where someone oppresses another. (See my Medium article listed below on this topic). Every day/ moment obstacle problems on the other hand consists of certain unavoidable barriers usually within this transitional gap. The source of many sufferings we encounter.

It is in the middle of inductive and deductive reasoning that we experience that OMG sensation. It is what is called an abductive space where stuckness occurs and yet can be transcended to move forward by taking that deep meditative breath or pause and do some coherent breathing in order to widen your perspective and to use improvisation with a new refreshing peripheral view. This is found in so many instances within mystical religions and all forms of creativity. It is why artists describe inspiration in their work as emanating in the middle and moving in both directions simultaneously. John Coltrane describing his art said: "I start in the middle of a sentence and move in both directions at once."

Here lies the possibilities of having a “beginners mind” and exploring interdependency through dialogue, poetry and other sharing modalities. We can if we desire pause in our liminal space and widen our lens to overcome barriers and obstacles for creative resolutions. This allows us to savor new connections with wider contexts of family, work, climate, education, health, politics etc. (See Nora Bateson on mutual learning.)

Yes, when your body is healthy and with the assistance of proper breathing it will also stimulate our creativity and release of Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, something we can all use more of, especially in these times where stressful barriers to resolving problems and everyday situations are abundant. So why not utilize what our body has to offer, something we take for granted—breathing.

For further information on adversarial interpersonal conflict see my Medium article on conflict. Highlight this friend link for anyone to read and hit open:

https://medium.com/illumination-curated/the-win-win-volley-in-sustainable-relationships-44a5e9cf44be?sk=71262c91cec5b67762deaa985ecee18e

“The Ecology of Breathing,” originally appeared in my Psychology Today Blog, March 3, 2019 and has been revised, expanded, updated and repurposed here for Substack.

Please hit the heart icon if you found this article useful and as always comments are appreciated.

See my website for information about my practice. I am available for individual, couples and family therapy as well as coaching, workshops and as needed supervision with therapists. I now participate in Medicare to provide assistance to seniors and their families.

www.drkennethsilvestri.com

Key points

• Nature is complex, messy, and beautiful, yet it still offers a multitude of ready-to-emerge solutions for communication discord.

• When we focus on contexts (not content) that support mutual learning, we create a longer-lasting means of resolving complex problems.

• The need for solutions is within tensions immanent in everyday contradictions and double binds.

• Linear thinking perpetuates communication discord and creates barriers to understanding the contexts where solutions are found.

I am interested in a kind of mutually-alert care and attention to the well-being of all people and ecological systems. This kind of leadership cannot be found in individuals; rather, it is found between them...the genesis of ability to perceive and respond to the complexity of this time.

—Nora Bateson

Life is full of paradoxes, the source of humor, enlightenment, and, unfortunately, unenviable double binds. As an example, Partner A asks Partner B, “Do you love me,?” Partner B responds, “Yes,” Partner A says, “Why do I have to ask you?”

A double bind is a communication dilemma in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, with one negating the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other, so that the person will be automatically wrong regardless of their response.

Double binds arise from tensions inherent in everyday contradictions and are the source of most relational problems. They can be exhilarating when successfully navigated or extremely stifling, as in being stuck between a rock and a hard place. We need only to look at how nature works to begin to understand this phenomenon.

“Searching for Solutions”

Source: (c) NatashaRabin.com

Nature is complex, messy, and beautiful, yet it still offers a multitude of ready-to-emerge solutions. I am not particularly fond of models that are used as solutions to relational problems. There is little context in those definitions. On the other hand, “a liquid mixture,” or an analog way of communication, may be more readily useful, as context provides the means of resolving those injurious double binds, the source of conflict that hinders optimal interpersonal relations.

Not long ago, I had two parents and their four adult children in my office. Their presenting problem was extreme “communication discord.” What mostly concerned me during this initial session was how they continually described their concerns in isolated content situations driven by descriptions i.e. “You never respect me,” responded by “Well you never give me respect, or “I am never heard,” followed by “You never listen,” etc. etc. There was blame and narrow views of “this caused that,” and so on and so on.

As it became louder and more intense, I grabbed a banana off the desk that was left over from my lunch, threw it on the floor (much to their surprise and asked each of them to describe five different interactional family events about a banana. After an amazing, focused time, they provided over 30 scenarios, many of which I could not have imagined doing with a banana, e.g., how they made banana bread or mischievously staged a slip. The tension subsided; there was laughter regarding these previously hidden-from-each-other moments, but most importantly, there was mutual sharing and numerous “I never knew that about you” remarks.

The subsequent sessions consisted of collaborative ways of relating that created a new sense of their interdependence. The pain of not being allowed to share those complex pieces of information is what brought them to therapy. Like a work of art, they created new meaning for the future.

Our predominant but narrow cause-and-effect framework, found in most Western cultures, is a ubiquitous prelude to communication discord, polarization, climate and health issues, and more. The key takeaway about nature is its fluidity, which has no opposites and is more than the sum of its parts. We are a vital part of nature, and it is within the relationships among these parts, which include us humans, that we will eventually understand what it means to be interdependent problem solvers, the flowing, ultimate basis of ecological thinking.

Even more profoundly, when we focus on contexts (not content) that support mutual learning, poetry, story sharing, and improvisation, we are encouraging a harmonizing means of going beyond double binds. Paying attention to context dynamics allows for creating more meaningful differences that help mitigate discord. It becomes an aesthetic collaborative effort rather than a compromise or a negotiation, with no true winners. This produces even wider contexts that ultimately break the above-mentioned double binds.

My sense, working as a family therapist for the past 40 years, is that solutions lie in the present during win-win communication volleys. When individuals participate in a collaborative manner, they have the potential to consciously synchronize their mind and body rhythms, as exemplified by a profound moment for me when John, who was 65, believed that his contentious relationship with his 87-year-old mother was unresolvable. “No matter what I say, I am wrong.” To his amazement, she agreed to attend a session. At this session, I gave them a prompt of ”What is continuing in their relationship?” I asked them to discuss this within three contexts: parenting, schooling, and adulthood. The dialogue and body language, which were filmed for them, consisted of many surprises, affirmations, hugs, and a respectful reframing of their relationship.

We are meant to be capable of having unique, harmonizing relationships. When this happens (and we have all felt it at one time or another), there is a feeling of “good vibrations,” as my friend, mentor, and anthropologist Paul Byers would say. This fosters opportunities to go beyond simple logic. It is tapping into the collective unconscious of all that has ever existed. What is revealed in this synchrony is previously available yet unheard information that arises and enlightens the connection between us. Sharing these interpersonal moments is the basis of changing perspectives, the driving force of evolution.

Families, couples, friends, and politicians who demonstrate painful communication patterns have lost sight of the many possibilities for empathic connection; however, there is profound amazement, no matter how long they have known each other, when their misperceptions and assumptions come to light. It is when and how their previously suppressed unique stories prime the well for a new understanding of each other. This results in novel ways to dissolve assumptions and adversarial stances that sustain those powerful double binds. It is as close as we will get to knowing how nature works, especially by not falling prey to the belief that we are separate.

*This article appeared in my Psychology Today Blog on November 1, 2022, and has been revised, updated, and repurposed for 2026 and Substack.

For related articles to the above, see:

The value of poetic expression

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202304/the-value-of-poetic-expression

How to widen your lens and become a systemic thinker and communicator in memory of Paul Byers

https://medium.com/illumination-curated/how-to-widen-your-lens-and-become-a-systemic-thinker-and-communicator-in-memory-of-paul-byers-276516bba6f0?sk=1caa788163d63bc40b3c59c53f10b784

• Wisdom arises from perceiving patterns and multiple perspectives, not isolated facts or emotions.

• The neologism “meadowing” evokes the beauty of messy interdependence in both nature and human connections.

• Listening and sharing everyday experiences fosters community and reveals our shared humanity.

It is from large perceptions combined with impersonal emotion that wisdom most readily springs.

Bertrand Russell

What is the pattern that connects the crab to the lobster and the primrose to the orchid, and all of them to me, and me to you?

Gregory Bateson

In recent blogs, I shared my sense of empathy, altruism, and win-win communication, all of which provide context for a segue into a wider perspective on life. These skills help resolve interpersonal difficulties and discord. When they are heartfelt, they foster a beginner’s mind of experiencing and appreciating the messiness and beauty of how nature works. Our existence is one of constant patterns, searching for appropriate mutual connections that are, unfortunately due to adversarial and cultural constraints, difficult to attain in many ways.

“Samba, Raga, Flamenco”

Source: NatashaRabin.com (c)

By adopting a peripheral coalescing view, which naturally helps you seize the present assertively while simultaneously accepting its broader landscape, you can enter the world of everyday always present interdependence. It also shows us how to have rewarding relationships and a quality life, as well as how we can access and better preserve that interdependency. We now know, for example, how trees in a forest communicate with each other to help maintain the balance of survival. This synchrony, or “good vibrations,” exists, as demonstrated by the shared rhythm of swinging pendulums or the improvisation of a jazz quartet, for the taking within our very biological makeup of our species as well as with other living creatures. This allows us to fathom the healing potential of relationships through coalescing, a process of a deeper interpersonal level of coming together and combining to form a single unit without losing sight of or understanding all who participated.

The Role of Patterns and Metaphors in Seeking Wisdom

However, it is inevitable that we acknowledge and support the patterns that strive to be connected. This is the manifestation of an ecological approach to attaining wisdom. What holds this complexity together is the core question. Nora Bateson, President of the International Bateson Institute, believes that it is “The ability to perceive multiple perspectives and contexts,” ( see her “Warm Data process, https://www.warmdata.life/warmdata ) at the same time. This interweaving process is usually described through metaphors that, by definition, attempt to compare seemingly unrelated things. However, this only gives us a hint of the ecology of wisdom. It is mostly hidden, but its nuances are not totally unheard. It fails because it is not the thing described, or, as philosopher Alfred Korzybski said, “the map is not the territory.” It is within a part-to-whole ecology that understands and narrates stories that reflect the meaning of Rachel Carson’s “ Silent Spring,” the “Closing Circle” of Barry Commoner, or the “Life of Cells” by Lewis Thomas.

It is further described by Alfred North Whitehead, who wrote that “reality as an unfolding, dynamic process where every ‘part’ only exists in relation to the larger, interconnected ‘whole.’ “ This is not new. Ludwig von Bertalanffy, founder of general systems theory, argued that “...any system cannot be understood by the sum of its isolated elements; uncovering the invitational nature of the universe – the way it’s simply waiting for us to wake up into its astonishing beauty and its depths.” What this means immediately for our species in regard to improving our relationships and forming a better world is what Ursula Le Guin believes: “People are also able to form communities of many, through sending and receiving bits of ourselves and others back and forth continually — through, in other words, talking and listening. Talking and listening are ultimately the same thing.” The immediate need is to start allowing our incredible potential to create patterns that connect. Maria Popovo describes this as “unselfing,” leading to the “ magic of our shared reality.”

“A Couple Holding Hands”

Source: Ketut Subyanto, From Pexels

Rising Above Cultural Static Through Artistic Dialogue

In what ways can we rise above the static of nouns and misnomers? First, we can start our dialogue of talking and listening to mutually learn from each other what is in the trenches of our lives. Sharing through storytelling, poetry, and all artistic endeavors is a means of interfacing with nature. Art expands beyond our cultural restrictions and manipulations to step out of the box, to improvise, and to give birth to and share the infinite possibilities of what it really means to be empathic, altruistic, and a listener. Nora Bateson further uses the example of a meadow that comes alive, using the verb “meadowing,” which evokes a poetic expression of the messy, beautiful interdependency among its insects, soil, defecation, and seedlings, all working together to create a living system.

Here are some prompts to motivate you to describe your personal reflections and learn with others how coalescing can serve as a profound segue to novel ways to improve relationships and quality of life. Share your everyday participation and observations, no matter how mundane they may seem to be with others, taking turns describing the earthy gritty reality of your day-to-day activities within the interfacing contexts of your real life needs and accepting that, like each snowflake, we are unique. When you’re done listening, share what you learned and how your thought process might have changed from any of the imposed impersonal stimulation that surrounds us.

A) In pairs or a small group, take turns narrating your ongoing everyday interactions within your family as it passes and evolves through different contexts and institutions such as employment, politics, finances, schooling, shopping, etc. Use the example of “meadowing.”
Contextualize your interactions, needs, frustrations, and how things are supported or discouraged in terms of your interdependence.

B) Share an interactive story with another or in a small group about one common item or feeling, i.e., a banana, a loaf of bread, an act of love, preparing a meal, or a poem about what it is like to be me in different situations. The rule in this prompt is that each person’s experience or detail must be different from what has already been shared; for example, there are infinite ways to describe an interaction with a banana.

C) In the same framework as above, with another or in a small group, tell a story or act out through verbal or nonverbal means what is most important to you in your daily life, regarding the contexts of tending to the needs of others and how those needs can be reciprocal.

D) Discuss and choose down to earth everyday topics that you can mutually learn from each other. Use whatever artistic way to express yourself, taking turns to talk and to listen.

*This article was repurposed for Substack and originally appeared in my Psychology Today Blog, May, 30, 2026

**For more information regarding my practice and virtual/in-person psychotherapy and coaching see www.drkennethsilvestri.com

***Comments, likes etc are as always welcomed.

Key points:

• Storytelling primes the pump of expression, listening, and empathy.

• Sharing narratives is an expression of faith in our humanity and a path to unifying results.

• Storytelling demonstrates that there are many possibilities within our relationships.

• Stories are a means to recognize our interdependency and resolve conflict.

Stories are the royal road to the study of relationships. What is important in a story, what is true in it, is not the plot, the things, or the people, but the relationships between them.

— Gregory Bateson

Remember that harmony is inextricably bound up with the conflict from which it sprang.

— Terry Dobson

Pushing back when one is pushed is a cultural habit that stops us from recognizing our interdependency and different ways to minimize conflict. Gregory Bateson described this process as “schismogenesis,” which means creating a division. It can take a “symmetrical” form or a behavioral one, e.g., the arms race resulting in escalating outcomes as each side attempts to improve its advantage. It can also manifest when one person or group puts another or others in a “complementary” submissive pattern, such as bullying. Either way, it produces injurious consequences.

However, he also emphasized in his seminal book, Naven, that conflict is the place where harmony can be attained, in part through the use of storytelling. In his field research with the Iatmul people in New Guinea, he describes a ceremony in which two opposing groups engage in jovial mimicry to maintain harmony. It shows that there is an expression of faith in our humanity, to embrace even the most powerful of attacks and find a space to produce a unifying result.

When we recognize a connection to others, we are initially drawn to tend to their needs. This serves as a segue to being warmer and more giving by reframing conflict as the grist for creativity. Given the current political and social polarizations in our world and their impact on our lives, we may have no choice but to seek ways to achieve and sustain relational harmony in our interpersonal and societal endeavors.

Storytelling is precisely what is needed to connect, heal, and learn from one another. Ursula K. Le Guin believed, “In the tale, in the telling, we are all one blood. Take the tale in your teeth, then, and bite till the blood runs, hoping it’s not poison; and we will all come to the end together, and even to the beginning: living, as we do, in the middle.” Here lies the key to why we should share who we are through narratives. It is an innate way to identify and celebrate all our experiences, from the past to the present, to influence the future.

Stories comprise a multitude of aspirations, emotions, disappointments, fears, and dreams that prime the pump of expression, listening, and empathy. They embody a natural opportunity for helpful information to emerge as resources that will make a difference in whatever you choose to pursue. It is, as Rebecca Solnit suggests in her Field Guide to Getting Lost, that “the things we want are transformative, and we don’t know or only think we know what is on the other side of that transformation. Love, wisdom, grace, inspiration- how do we go about finding these things that are in some ways about extending the boundaries of the self into unknown territory … “

Stories provide poetic forms to explore the influences of legacy — the mystical, influential, and aesthetic energy from our families of origin, as well as the collective reservoir of human evolution. They bring to life the contextual interchanges that eventually give relational meaning to ethnicity, race, class, culture, identity, and wealth.

C.S. Lewis writes in The Weight Of Glory, that “behind the cotton wool is hidden in a pattern… the whole world is a work of art… there is no Shakespeare… no Beethoven… no God; we are the words; we are the music; we are the thing itself.” When Arthur Miller was asked about how he created plays, his response was, “It’s the careful construction of hard actions, facts, the geometry of relationships.”

The narratives we all have are connected to our wellness and offer clues on how we can adjust our vulnerability and growth. Nora Bateson, President of the International Bateson Institute, describes this process as “‘symmathesy’ which… generates mutual learning contexts through the process of interaction between multiple variables in a living entity.” Author Johanna Slivinske believes such interactions allow people to “… gain insight that leads to, and improvements in the quality of their lives. Stories may be told through writing, through art, through photos, or verbally. There is more than one way to tell a story.”

What is inherent in storytelling is the stochastic process of reality, that we inevitably miss telling the perfect story. It is by pure chance and randomness that we can come close to depicting the many possibilities that await us. John Steinbeck eloquently points out in The Log From The Sea Of Cortez how observing and elucidating can bring to life narrative information about the interrelationships that make up the complexities of our lives. “If the fish sounds and nearly escapes and finally comes in over the rail, his colors pulsing and his tail beating in the air, a whole new relational externality has come to being — an entity which is more than the sum of the fish plus the fisherman.”

So, how does storytelling provide a segue to better relations and serve as a forum for conflict resolution? In pairs or small groups take turns telling a story — i.e., be it a narrative, poem, or in another artistic medium — from your personal experience to another or group using the following contextual prompts and then listen and mutually learn from each other the stories that you have elicited:

• Have you ever been in a conflict situation where the outcome could have been less injurious had you considered other options?

• How do the lives of your grandparents (i.e., being in the armed services during World War II or in the labor force, etc.) give credence or opposition to your present views on society?

• What sensations do you exhibit when you are in an anxious situation? How do you deal with stress?

• How would creating win-win alternatives influence your day-to-day interactions? What strategies have you used in your interpersonal relations? How do you show empathy in your everyday life?

• In what ways would viewing conflict as a means to harmony influence and/or create changes in your daily life?

• How can you transform being victorious from a personal accomplishment to being beneficial for everyone in your life?

• What modalities make you feel better or worse in a situation where you are uncomfortable? What type of activities do you avoid or seek?

• How can you influence how the various institutions and contexts in your community that educate improve their interdependency i.e. schooling, media, work, government, family, religion etc.?

In conclusion, consider the words of Carl Jung: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances, both are transformed.”

*Here are two links to articles that relate to the above from my Psychology Today Blogs on “Reflective Listening” and “Sustaining Empathy.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202506/reflective-listening-to-enhance-relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202505/how-to-sustain-and-improve-empathy

*This article originally appeared in my Psychology Today Blog on June 6, 2023, and has been revised, updated, and repurposed for Medium and Substack.

-Gregory Bateson

Being inspired fills you with the urge to be creative. It is a way to view the world as an interdependent aesthetic experience. Inspiration allows you to be mindful and see things in context rather than depending on content. It frees you from the constraints of narrow cause-and-effect reasoning because beauty is more than the sum of its parts. Simple descriptions cannot suffice, since it is simultaneously connected to all artistic expression. When it occurs, you have a choice to take advantage of it, if you so desire. It appears in that space where transitions are possible. It is our emotional edge, the liminality that beckons us toward infinite possibilities. They may not always be predictable, but if you look closely you will see hints of how nature works.

The Great Falls of Paterson New Jersey

Source: (c) Kenneth Silvestri

I grew up Paterson, New Jersey, a famous red-brick, working-class factory city, surrounded by a river that manifests in a majestic waterfall. Its presence instilled in me a recognition of how things are interconnected. The Great Falls, as it is called, was used to create canal-like raceways that powered turbines. In turn, those turbines helped to produce locomotives, connected textiles mills, and created other industrial goods that were dispersed throughout the world. A result of this force of nature was also the coming together of various ethnic neighborhoods that merged into a collage of interconnected vibrancy. It was — and still is — a working ecology of humanity.

I crossed over the Falls each morning on my way to school and could feel its invariable spray and variable manifestations, be it icy landscapes, sparkling rays of light, raw roaring tremendous power— the essence of creativity. Each new encounter offered me a transitional mental edge, an opportunity to experience some ambiguity but much wonder! The day would unfold for me with choices amongst many possibilities. I became my own poet encouraged by the likes of William Carlos Williams, Allen Ginsberg, and Maria Mazzotti Gillan, each of whom at one time utilized the Falls for their aesthetic inspiration. It was a daily satori of sorts that allowed me to make the best of my emerging self. I learned that even as life’s hardships are unpredictable and can bring grief, they are at the same time grist for creativity.

Being at that edge is a way to be in the present, grounding yourself in whatever context you choose. Here you can use your distinct abilities to improvise and resolve obstacles to attain your expressiveness. This nurtures our potential to mutually learn from each other, recognizing our interdependence. It is the means to address the situations of what ails us beyond the limitation of words, such as poverty, discrimination, anxiety, depression, etc. It is in your best interest to take advantage of those ever-present opportunities to soothe your nervous system. Pause at those edges and simultaneously widen your lens. Be inspired to wisely choose supportive environments that benefit your sense of self, family, community, and beyond.

Steps to Stretch Your Edges:

• Be present. Widen your systemic lens, see in a peripheral manner, and love by recognizing our connections and wisdom to understand our connections. Mindfully volley with win-win communication, know your temperament and how it relates to what you need to change and make different, and avoid assumptions and taking things personally. Emphasize context over content.

• Find a supportive environment. Mutually learn, respect your self-esteem, create living and workplaces that resonate with your sense of beauty, use techniques/skills such as Coherent Breathing, Qigong, Aikido, Homeopathy, Yoga and Compassion.

• Celebrate possibilities. Explore your aesthetic energy and poetic expression, embrace interdependency, meditate, and sing.

• Adjust. Respect your fallibility, allow yourself to learn from your mistakes, be humble, and understand how systems are sustained and maintained)

Poem, “oh the zen-like great falls”

stepping out of my front door

the mist of the great falls caressed

my prelude

to the day to come.

its multi-appearances

dressed by seasonal nuances,

like ice coated cotton clouds.

also suds and old derelict debris

circling in whirlpools.

a gathering red brick history

of my grandparents soaked in its spray,

their tilting looms ten hours a day,

the churning turbines

of my parents’ child labor.

near smoldering fire remnants

that found their way there.

a block down

steam locomotives were built with her power.

shinning unused trolley rails

peeking through cracks

on McBride Ave covered by her droplets.

the only all-the-way-onion-sauce-hot dog-stands

were always there.

as were the potential floods along her raceways.

she was part of my walk to school,

sitting at stationary wooden sepia coated desks,

looking out of windows covered with her grime.

she was always showing

either a drip

or thunderous pummeling

over the gray geology

where I found native arrow tips

and 19th century glass bottle pieces.

her persona wavering

her shadow side devastating

her rainbows soothing…

*Poem by Kenneth Silvestri, originally published in the Great Falls: An Anthology of Poems about Paterson, New Jersey, Edited by Maria Mazziotti Gillan, 2014. This article was adapted, revised and repurposes for Substack from my Psychology Today Blog, December, 2019

See my website www.drkennethsilvestri.com for information about my psychotherapy practice, homeopathy, workshops and trainings….

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind, there are few.”

Shunryu Suzuki

“...time that flows

will have the shape

and sound

of a guitar,

and when you want

to bow to the past,

the singing spring of

transparent time

will reveal your wholeness.

Time is joy.”

Pablo Neruda

Beginner’s mind has evolved from the Zen practice of using all our senses to absorb and appreciate the nuances of every moment. Practicing beginner’s mind can occur regardless of whether one has been in a similar situation before. It allows for a new, wider perspective of your surroundings that bends or alters time. We all had a moment when, deep in our thoughts, we wondered where the time had gone.

Beginner’s mind is more involved with conscious observation in the present. It entails having a peripheral view to simultaneously understand your immediate surroundings. This widening of your perceptual lens allows all that is unique in each context to show its interrelationships. It is a mindful technique to sustain our well-being and to sustain harmony. According to poet David Whyte, it is “...about uncovering the invitational nature of the universe – the way it’s simply waiting for us to wake up into its astonishing beauty and its depths.”

Mindfulness

Source: Natasha Rabin (c) with permission

Why is time an important factor in this process? It is the vehicle of attaining a beginner’s mind when it is not overwhelmed with stressful cultural pressures. However, like most nouns, it has its linguistic constraints: it is static, defined by content, and devoid of context.

Yet, treating time as a verb alters its definition and usage. “Timing,” for instance, the verb form of time represents actions that can become relevant to the flow of how you are inter-relating with the many possibilities of your environment. They emerge in the description of aesthetic and artistic endeavors. Poems, for instance, are another way to expand nouns into an active force within different contexts, as Pablo Neruda did in the above quote.

Being focused on what is occurring and blending within a given context provides a springboard for harmonious interaction with other contexts. Bending time is a process of converting its restrictions into a recognition of our ecological interdependence. “Timing,” for instance, allows for involvement, which is alive, especially when you use a beginner’s mind. It provides a segue to alter the cultural constraints that stifle actions, producing a fragmentation of behaviors and knowledge. This is a false sense of how nature works, one that prevents all the living patterns that yearn to connect.

Most nouns are defined by measuring duration and quantifiable rates of change. Nora Bateson, president of the International Bateson Institute, uses the metaphor of a meadow to transform this notion. She describes her participation in life as an active recognition of all interactions that make up the complexity of her existence. “Meadowing” is her description of how she approaches her way of living interdependently and making sense when being in nature by practicing, and “… thinking like an ecology there. I am studying the ways of it, wondering how do things stay the same while they change? “ We certainly have to deal with many factors of life, i.e., appointments, train schedules, show time, etc. Ask yourself how the different aspects of time restrict or support you in your everyday interactions. Does your life express or describe the complexity of possibilities that you experience every day?

Having a beginner’s mind is living in a world that encourages making room to question, grow, explore, pause, and cherish what is in between and beyond our relationships. It is a spontaneous example of improvisational choreography on the stage of life.

Raga

Source: Natasha Rabin (c) with permission

This implies that mutual learning and sharing opportunities are like throwing darts randomly. It is done without a singular purpose other than allowing them to land where they may. Yet it has the potential to emerge and evolve into what we humans are meant to be. It is, as poet and author Frederick Buell urges, “So let’s go for the aesthetic, not the anesthetic.”

My sense is that if we start with a beginner’s mind and stay in the present moment with what is happening in our relationships, we will nurture an aesthetic resilience and a sacred connection to nature. That is the liminal gift we need to enable us to use all our senses to understand how the whole of anything is more than its parts, as is the earth to each and all of us living creatures.

Here are some prompts and suggestions for discussion in small groups to allow a beginner’s mind to bend time and improve our interpersonal and environmental relationships:

How can changing nouns to verbs, i.e., house, family, school, job, finances, etc., help you view each context in your life differently in the ways you approach interrelationships?

In what ways can different contexts, i.e., schools, work, family, politics, economics, etc., be seen as having interdependent benefits from using a beginner’s mind and bending time?

Consider and discuss the consequences of using a beginner’s mind while being in the present during routine activities, while focusing on your breathing and expanding perception of that moment.

How would you adopt a communication style that uses open questions, paraphrasing, and pausing before expressing support in a win-win conversation to enhance relationships?

Imagine going through your regular everyday activities without rushing and experiencing the outcomes as positive and joyful. In what ways will this alter your sense of the timing that occurred?

Would placing your attention on what is occurring in the present, without preconceptions, alter your sense of how it would affect the well-being of your mind and body?

Can using a beginner’s mind give you more of an understanding about what is in between your interpersonal relationships, and if so, how would it create new possibilities to enhance your life?

How can active “give and take” mutual learning, which has a respect for random outcomes, encourage new explorations in your relationships? How can this encourage and support our interdependence?

In what ways have you used verbs rather than nouns that helped you understand your behaviors in a different way?

**If you find this article useful, please hit the heart icon below and or make a comment.

**This article originally appeared on my Psychology Today Blog, March 17, 2026

***I am available for individual, couples, and family psychotherapy as well as presentations and workshops on how to use ecological communication to resolve conflict and improve interpersonal relations. I am also a certified classical Homeopath.

****For further information on my practice, publications and availability see my website: www.drkennethsilvestri.com

“The crises of our time, it becomes increasingly clear, are the necessary impetus for the revolution now under way. And once we understand nature’s transformative powers, we see that it is our powerful ally, not a force to feared our subdued.” —Thomas S. Kuhn

Why there is such a drastic need to make changes

I am a firm believer that the major problems of the world arise, as anthropologist Gregory Bateson profoundly pointed out, from “the difference between the way nature works and the way people think.” Since we are part of nature, we must constantly deal with the ever-present contradictions or paradoxes that surround us. Carl Jung felt that this was the essence of our journey-to-find our sense of “self” and at the same time be part of our larger world. This is what nature is all about; part-to-whole interconnection and ever changing patterns of interdependent relationships.

Unfortunately, we do not always see the “I-thou” unity of these living systems. Cultural and language constraints make us vulnerable to missing these relationships. Hence, our history is full of devastating examples of disconnecting from nature especially more so in 2026. We can now see how this has created far too many harmful health issues, current political polarization, climate destruction, and educational fragmentation as well as wars, discrimination, economic inequality, and most recently, how we are moving in a direction that is encouraging and supporting these injurious patterns.

“Here and Now”

Source: (c) Natasha Rabin

Ecological Awareness

It was in the 1960s, with such publications as Silent Spring by Rachel Carson and The Closing Circle by Barry Commoner, that this cause-effect thinking was challenged with the view of seeing nature as more complex and interacting; a system that is a collection of entities (persons, institutions, societies, atoms, etc.) so arranged that a change in the relationship of one part will produce some change in all the other parts of that system. The Greek word for earth, “Gaia,” further underscores this awareness by pointing out that the whole biosphere is more than the sum of its parts.

The prerequisite to understanding and addressing this dilemma is to be mindfully present and see yourself as simultaneously being connected to wider contexts. In other words, observe yourself observing: Step back, make sense of each moment as if it was a poetic expression creating challenges and opportunities for new exploration.

This is the segue to recognizing that the world is ever-changing. How we respect each other and the multitude of contexts that we evolve and grow within is crucial for understanding our complex world. It is a framework that refutes fragmentation and reinforces ways to see and resolve problems from a new vantage point, which is congruent with how nature exists.

What follows entails reframing health issues, not just managing symptoms (as is the case with many medications) or dictated by insurance interests to physicians. Other concerns need to be addressed most importantly to how we are tending to the needs of our children and reinventing education to be more focused on the learner rather than evaluating the institutional achievements; food and wealth distribution that can benefit societies; new climate and socio-economic-political connections; and re-configuring democracy to support our interdependency and so on and so on.

The Value of Mutual Learning

Nora Bateson, president of the International Bateson Institute and founder of the Warm Data process feels that our future “cannot be found in individuals; rather, it is found between them. It cannot be found in organizations, nations, religions, or institutions; rather, it is found between them.” This refers to the ways in which multiple contexts come together to form complex systems. It allows for a concentration on the interdependency between contexts that give resilience to both living and non-living systems.

This will only be driven by sharing and mutually learning from each other through win-win collaboration that forms a synchrony, or as anthropologist Paul Byers would say, “good vibrations” where there is a shared phase locking of biological rhythms between people who are communicating in earnest. This also includes storytelling and aesthetic poetic expression which are human metaphors of nature..

The world is not fixed in some sort of Newtonian box but is constantly uncertain and improvising through creative patterns that connect. There is no room for competition in this process nor a beginning or end. John Coltrane once said, when asked to describe his style, “I start in the middle and move in both directions at once.”There will be many transitions, as in Tai Ji and Aikido, the latter of which I have practiced for over 35 years. In each movement in this peaceful martial art, there is an improvisational moment, a nuance of adapting to changing into another harmonious context. It is a way to resolve the two predominant forms of conflict that exponentially produces injury through trying to have a one-upsmanship as in I have five bombs and the opposition saying, well I have six and so on. Another form is where there is suppression and dominance, such as from authoritarian regimes or abusive relationships. Both forms creates “damn if you do or don't” double binds. Mutual learning of different perspectives and needs however produces a larger context that can dissolve dissolve the stuckness of those double binds. This has implications for how we learn and educate, with no one formula that fits all, as in a how in a grain of sand the can landscape appear.

Solutions and Complexity

It is here that we can acquire the wisdom of knowing nature’s “complexity,” which is defined as something being “interwoven,” and which cannot be undone. One of the ways to savor and explore this awareness is to meet within small groups of people with a collective focus on an issue that is common to all, one that has many interfaces and connections, i.e. with family of origin, work, school, temperament issues, etc. Then, after forming a consensus, bring that knowledge to other groups that are discussing different issues, especially considering the interdependency that exists across different contexts. There is no limit or right or wrong. Making sense and increasing sensitivity to each other in a multitude of interconnected ways is necessary to find new avenues that can avoid old injurious patterns.

In essence, we need to engage in new ways of collaborating that promote continuous, collective learning and innovation. This interface of evolving contexts is full of improvisational possibilities. So, pause, widen your lens, and allow the holographic intent of nature to unfold for you to create and sustain a personal contribution to this time of needed transformation!

Here are some prompts that you can share with others, then listen to the stories that you have elicited:

• Have you ever been in a conflict situation where the outcome could have been less injurious had you considered other options?

• How do the lives of your grandparents (i.e., being immigrants or serving in the armed services during World War II or in the labor force, etc.) give credence or opposition to your present views on society?

• What sensations do you exhibit when you are in an anxious situation? How do you deal with stress?

• How would creating win-win alternatives influence your day-to-day interactions? What strategies have you used in your interpersonal relations? How do you show empathy in your everyday life?

• In what ways would viewing conflict as a means to harmony influence and/or create changes in your daily life?

• How can you transform being victorious from a personal accomplishment to being beneficial for everyone in your life?

• What modalities make you feel better or worse in a situation where you are uncomfortable? What type of activities do you avoid or seek?

In conclusion, consider the words of Carl Jung: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances, both are transformed.”

*Here are two links to articles that relate to the above from my Psychology Today Blog:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202506/reflective-listening-to-enhance-relationships

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202505/how-to-sustain-and-improve-empathy

Other sources from my Psychology Today Blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wider-lens

*The above article was updated and revised based on a previously published article in Medium, April 26, 2020, under the title of “How to see the world through a wider lens,” and also in my Psychology Today Blog, May 20,2020

*I am available for individual, couples,, and family psychotherapy as well as presentations and workshops on how to use ecological communication to resolve conflict and interpersonal relations. I am also a certified classical Homeopath.

For further information on my practice, publications and availability see my website: www.drkennethsilvestri.com

“Hope lies in the very fact that as living beings we are wired for relationships. It is only possible to express our humanity in relationship to other human beings.”

Nora Bateson

“…my mother and father were right. They always said that it takes two to make a quarrel and nobody was better at it than they were!”

Gracie Allen

Introduction

I have been involved with couples/families as a systemic psychotherapist for the past forty years. They usually come to make a difference in their significant relationships, although they seldom initially understand how it is to be “within” those relationships. Having been trained in cultural anthropology to look at how change comes about, I have “learned to learn” to help them recognize the tipping point or readiness to make that difference.

Many therapists who work with couples and families fall into the trap of becoming part of the presenting problems by creating long-term dependency. That is only a “first-order change” and seldom goes beyond the therapeutic question of “how do you feel.” I have found that when all involved, including myself, have a synchronized understanding of how relationships transcend individuality, this is when “differences that make a difference” occur in earnest.

I have incorporated “Warm Data” in my practice (developed by Nora Bateson, President of the International Bateson Institute, https://www.warmdata.life/ ). It is “…information about the interrelationships that integrate elements of a complex system.” My approach to gathering Warm Data uses a metaphorical systemic three-legged stool. It consists of contextual prompts regarding Commitment to making a difference within a systemic framework; Equity in altering decision-making/power; and Intimacy/Communication, the hundred-plus ways to have a relationship.

What follows is a summary of my qualitative participant/observations. It manifested in ingredients for sustaining win-win mutuality in relationships. They consist of a compilation of interactions from thousands of therapy sessions with hundreds of couples/families, as well as cases of those I supervise. The results can be used as a recipe in any order and will be beneficial when the prompts are answered in the contexts of commitment, equity, and intimacy mentioned above.

What It Means to be Holistic

Recognizing the gestalt of our being is a prerequisite to savoring our relationships. This widens our perceptual lens to see more than the sum of the parts that make up our existence. We are much more than what any of us can offer individually.

Think about how nature works, allowing for unpredictability, for all species to hopefully evolve harmoniously. It can be messy and beautiful while offering a multitude of interconnected ways to survive. For us humans, it provides an ecological communication opportunity to thrive by sharing narratives that form an understanding of our interdependencies. It requires accepting what Nora Bateson describes as “Ready-ing.” She believes that “This process is open-ended, always sensitizing, ever-learning and taking place within an already existing aggregate of perceptions.”

In my experience and research, change is possible when it is understood and accepted how each plays a role in whatever communication problem may exist. I have found that knowing ourselves is an expression of all that lies between us. This is what influences our behaviors. It also proves the adage that as Gregory Bateson was fond of saying, “It takes two to know one.”

Prompts: What is it like to be with another? (Think what is immanent in your relationships within the suggested contexts)

Start a short poem or narrative with the phrase; if I can change my life, I would be….

Imagine how your life can be enhanced if you take a moment each day and look beyond your immediate view, feelings, tastes, smells, and touches.

Ask questions that will change the narratives in your relationships

Those whom I’ve worked with have demonstrated how relationships that are healthy and reciprocal are sustained through a win-win communication volley. The consequence of adversarial or competitive interaction is like spiking the ball while volleying on a ping pong table. This results in both sides losing. A win-win volley consists of: Expressing/asking; Checking with all your senses if you are being heard; Restating or affirming your expression; and then, Reversing roles. These are the basic rules of win-win conversations.

,We exist and evolve in our contexts which are simultaneously part of wider ones and so on. Asking questions is to learn from each other and it alters the growing narrative that influences subsequent contexts of our lives. What was evident in my observations was how little was known about each other’s perceptions and beliefs with those looking to improve their relationships.

Prompts: How does being aware of the context of your interactions enhance your relationships?

How might your conversations be more conducive to getting your message heard?

Start a short poem or narrative with another that continues the phrase, when I am heard I……

Pausing

Source: (c) Kenneth Silvestri

Respect pauses and gaps when mutually communicating

In working on relationship issues, it is necessary to savor introspection. These liminal moments dissolve barriers that formerly hindered communication. This is where we become collaborators in discovering the unseen available resources to combine our insights. It is a space offering mutually-learned information that motivates the emergence of possibilities.

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Prompts: Ask “how” questions to get to the depth of what mutual learning is available to each other.

Think of ways you can create contexts of collaboration and in what ways you can adjust and maintain them.

What are the causes that hinder collaboration in your life?

Avoid compromises that stifle mutual learning

What was obvious in my observation of relational equity is that there was little success in trying to compromise. We all lose something when we compromise. The skill and opportunity to have win-win results are to blend with conflict. Compromise interrupts the creativity that is available to all of us, especially since aestheticism is the human metaphor for how nature works.

Prompts: How can you alter adaptive behaviors of communication that have left you unfulfilled?

How did you push through obstacles and produce outcomes that you may have thought were impossible?

Have you ever been in a conflict situation where the outcome could have been less injurious had you considered other options?

Most of those in my practice articulate how quick-fix cultural constraints hindered their ability to avoid narrow cause-and-effect reasoning. An exercise that I have used is to imagine that you have a built-in lens that zooms in and out whenever you need it to see how each situation is simultaneously part of wider transcontextual situations. The goal of being interdependent depends on how we combine and share our intimacy. What was most articulated by those in this study was that when using this lens, change occurred in wild weird non-linear unpredictable ways.

Prompt: Discuss how “the map is not the territory.”

What personal implications do you feel would result from accepting an ecological view of relationships?

How would you be if you could improvise within your relationships?

We are all half-baked, however, I have found that using the above ingredients can regardless, help nurture relationships to be interdependent. This becomes an ongoing journey to better fulfill ourselves through mutual learning to sustain our relationships.

+This article was adapted, updated and expanded from an early article on my Psychology Today Blog, January, 2024 and repurposed for Substack and Medium.

*If you like this article please press the heart icon, make a comment and/or share it with others that may find it useful.

My website www.drkennethsilvestri.com describes my practice, publications and offerings.

“It is a continuous interchange between two consciousnesses... a continuous intersubjectivity that goes both ways all the time.” Ursula K. Le Guin

Author Jim Rohn once said, “If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you can work miracles.” Most textbooks and self-help manuals about communication are based on models that are seldom about what is between and beyond the interactions of individuals. There is assertiveness training, refuting irrational thoughts, conflict resolution, and so on. All without the infinitely wider contextual applications of living. Adversarial disagreements and polarization are at a high level, and couples therapists are overloaded with the presenting problem of “They are having communication discord.”

“Raga”Source: Natasharabin.com (c) with permission

Take this excellent thought by Ursula K. Le Guin about the potential of a more profound and more rewarding Interpersonal communication experience, which ultimately is a process of blending with another. “Any two things that oscillate at about the same interval, if they’re physically near each other, will gradually tend to lock in and pulse at the same interval.” This is like seeing two pendulums starting at different speeds that eventually move in harmony.

This process is available to humans. Women in a college dorm will often experience their menstrual cycles at the same time; those who practice Aikido (a martial art based on harmony), as I have, feel it when blending in complex, interactive maneuvers.

Another example is attending an Indian music concert and listening to a raga, which is a melodic framework for improvisation in Indian classical music, akin to a rhythmic mode. If desired, two people who share an inherent harmony can communicate verbally and physically at the same time in a graceful synchrony. When it doesn’t occur, the results can be devastating and painful or just a missed opportunity.

My mentor at Columbia University, anthropologist Paul Byers
specialized in interpersonal communication. He filmed and studied how human interactive systems are like nature, functioning in a process where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. In many ways, his work was like entering a holographic image, which appears to be three-dimensional, as each segment duplicates the original image. This demonstrates quite convincingly that the whole is in fact more than its parts.

“Aikido, The Way of Harmony”Source: Caroline Silvestri (c) with permission

When I was the principal of an alternative high school, I was doing research for my dissertation on how communication “double binds” (being between a rock and a hard place) occurs. Paul visited the school to help me with some concerning disagreements between the students. After listening to various troublesome issues, he had us hold hands and then discuss our feelings about our connections with each other and how we can be more interdependent, now, then, and as we move forward. This brought a sense of harmony, laughter, and warmth to all involved, many of whom pointed to that moment as the beginning of new and exciting friendships during that school year. It was based on a broader understanding of the value in sharing and learning about each other’s lives.

My fascination was even more enlightening when I observed how they became choreographed, both verbally and nonverbally. This resulted from filming these interactions, slowing down the frames, and observing the distinct blending dance of harmony in slow motion.

Paul believed that we communicate through “shared states.” This state sharing is like being with someone on an escalator, moving at a constant speed despite different temperaments. When joining begins, even with different cultural attributes or energy, a “phase-locking” occurs. It is similar to a win-win volley on a ping pong table. Communication becomes synchronized and incorporates biological rhythms, creating a powerful opportunity to foster excellent relationship possibilities.

Ursula K. Le Guin elaborates this natural phenomenon as a “...continuous interchange between two consciousnesses...a continuous intersubjectivity that goes both ways all the time.” When we feel the entrainment resulting from this experience of communicating, there is a natural evolution to using all our senses, in what anthropologist Mary Catherine Bateson called a “Peripheral View.” It is here that we can expand the edges of our awareness to encourage improvisational expression.

Anthropologist Ray Birdwhistell underscored the above by emphasizing how being cognizant of our social and cultural contexts is crucial in this process. This synchronicity is dependent on our sensitivity to nonverbal cues. These “Interpersonal contexts,” according to media expert Marshall McLuhan, are where we understand each other on a deeper level.

Interpersonal Communication, Source: Photo by Yan krukau from Pexels

The barriers to this peripheral ecological way of joining can be traced to cultural constraints from the institutional psychology of our dominant institutions, such as schooling, politics, media, and medicine. This results in a fragmented, disconnected framework. It is unfortunately driven by imposing that the parts are equal to the whole. By its nature, it invites a reductionist outcome, favoring separation rather than collaboration with the complex interdependencies that exist across these contexts.

Another challenge is digital texting tools that try to help convey emotion. It is like trying to pull the grapes out of the wine, as Nora Bateson, President of the International Bateson Institute, believes. Our movement towards less face-to-face communication can discourage the development of verbal and nonverbal skills. This has already impacted our well-being, affecting psychological states of loneliness, anxiety, and relationships. However, when we do communicate in each other’s proximity in a peripheral interconnected manner, there is, as Maria Popovo, creator of The Marginalian, describes, “...the most magical thing, the most sacred thing, is that whichever the outcome, we end up having transformed one another in this vulnerable-making process of speaking and listening.

Here are a few Prompts to discuss about having a peripheral View regarding communication:

How is it to be you in relationship to public education, politics, your family, work, and community?

How satisfied are you with your communications with your neighbors and close friends?

In what contexts do you view your communication skills as being satisfying or frustrating?

How do you respond to someone who is angry at you?

In what ways do you experience intimacy in your involvement in decision-making with other?

This article was originally published in my Psychology Today Blog September 17,2025.

Comments are welcomed or you can hit the heart icon if you like the article.

For other psychology today of mine see:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wider-lens

Key points

• The role of conflict in creating fear and how it can be the segue to resolving it

• How the biology of our nervous system responds to fear.

• How an ecological approach can alleviate fear and improve relationships.

• Why deep breathing is important for the nervous system when it is in a state of fear.

"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever" – Thomas Jefferson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself "- Franklin D. Roosevelt

In a previous article, "On Hope as an Antidote to Fear,"(see below) I indicated and still believe that hope can help soothe the nervous system and create a segue to better health and relationships. Rebecca Solnit stresses that although hope is beneficial, it "...is not the belief that everything was, is, or will be fine." 1.

Several recent polls have underscored the alarming increase in societal fear. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) Poll of 2024, for example, revealed that 43% of adults reported feeling more anxious and stressed than they did the previous year, an increase from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022. I am sure that given the current state of affairs in 2026 this trend has continued. The top anxiety in these polls and others as it is today indicates that “fear” about current events and the economy is high on the list.

Woman sitting on the floor, Source: Pavil Danilyuk through Pexel

Where do we start to address this pattern? It is essential to comprehend the biological implications and external triggers of fear to modify one's biological response to it, and redefine relationships ultimately. This will help make a difference in one's mindset to fend off the barrage of everyday stressful triggers.

Our nervous system is programmed to respond with a fight-or-flight response to a threat, or a state of heightened fear. This also negatively affects the ever-important vagus nerve’s function in maintaining a calm state and monitoring our sense of security. 2.

Our nervous system is crucial and has served our species well. The problem, however, is that it is involuntary, meaning it could remain stuck in a state of stress, which many believe can be a significant contributing factor in exacerbating chronic diseases.

We don't need to be saving our lives twenty-four hours a day. This constant state of fear produces irrational phobias and anticipatory anxiety. The question is how we proceed to mitigate the consequences of long-term fear to augment recommended stress management techniques.

The task is to create a new mindset regarding fear; it is vital to acknowledge that we are wired for relationships. We are inherently interconnected. When we are fearful, we create rigid responses that hinder us from respecting our relationships and adjusting our actions to mitigate fear accordingly. We need to celebrate our interdependency, and strengthen what is in-between us, which is the essence of an ecological mindset.

If we are in a constant state of fear, we become limited with our senses, making it difficult to process information and make sound decisions. Fearlessness is what love seeks,” according to Hannah Arendt, and it is, as Gregory Bateson believed, that "Every move we make in fear of the next disaster hastens it." Overcoming fear is not a series of techniques; it is akin to the peaceful yet influential, harmonious martial art of Aikido, which emphasizes controlling the fear response by blending with the threat and mutually learning from others and our environment. Robert Friedman, psychotherapist and Aikido sensei, believes that "The categories of win or lose are temporal. Empowerment is a manifestation of a greater power which has no opposite."

The best way to begin to help our nervous system and vagus nerve when we're stuck in a fearful state is to adopt an ecological perspective. An ecological (or systemic) view consists of experiencing the world holistically. The basic criterion is to understand how the whole of any system, including the Earth itself, is more than the sum of its parts yet still dependent on the interdependency of its parts. A watch can still "function" with one broken gear, but it will give you the wrong time.

This framework encourages us to discuss and examine our relationships to identify how we can correct broken patterns (or gears) by looking at how we are interdependent within the different contexts of our lives. An example is to examine how different contextual patterns, such as those within the family, school, media, peers, economy, and health, affect a child. This fosters a more inclusive understanding of a child, as well as parents, other adults, and the community. This perspective enables wider possibilities for reducing fear.

Within an ecological perspective, it is essential to understand the role of conflict and how it perpetuates fear, especially when it is adversarial and injurious. In many instances, it can be the source of creativity. Any artist knows how it can bring beauty. Michelangelo carved incredible statues from slabs of marble. However, when conflict produces adversarial division, and polerazation, it often escalates into exponential violence between two individuals or groups or countries, such as in an arms race. It can also take the form of one side suppressing another, as in authoritarian regimes or couples' discord. This maintains a painful relationship in which both sides become part of a no-win double bind situation, a primary source of fear, as indicated in the above surveys and current socio-'political-environmental in our country.

The way out of this painful stalemate is to rise above the division through assertive empathic win-win dialogue, supporting mutual learning across all contexts affected by the conflict. Forums for such resolution include community focus groups, environmental discussions, protesting injurious social patterns, couples/family therapy as well as programs like Warm Data, which discusses information about the interrelationships that integrate elements of a complex system. 3.

Breathing Buddha, Source: Natasha Rabin (c) with permission

Another component to alleviate the detrimental consequences of fear is to practice a successful breathing protocol. There are many forms found in yogic and meditation circles. I am a proponent of Coherent Breathing, developed by Stephen Elliott and extensively researched. It consists of a six-second inhalation and a six-second exhalation while visualizing a positive thought or image.

This maintains our mind-body health while being one of the few ways to help our nervous system transition from the sympathetic part (the revved-up part) to the parasympathetic part (the calm part) when it is stuck in a state of fear. It also benefits the vagus nerve and heart rate variability. This helps break the detrimental fear cycle. As a result, relaxation and meditation exercises can better allow one to see different possibilities that transcend the fight-or-flight restrictions, revealing the part-to-whole dynamics of our existence. 4.

Here are some prompts to help you address fear to discuss with others in order to come to a mutually learned respect and understanding:

Is fear a result or even a symptom of not knowing our role in the wider ecological world we live in?

Can resolving fear occur when you see the interconnected patterns of life from a broader, holistic perspective that understands how our many contexts in life are interface and are interconnected?

What if you view fear as a consequence of relationships and social contexts rather than isolated events?

How would fear be altered if you see problems from a wider perspective that is more than individual experiences?

Can fear be related to the frustration of our role in this ecological interconnected reality?

Could having more interactive dialogue and mutual learning from one another help dispel fear resolve ruptures and dissolve polerazation?

What if we focus on improving our communication to understand and support our interdependency? Would this alleviate fear and improve mental health?

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” – Marilyn Ferguson

References

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202402/hope-as-an-…

2. Stephen Porges, The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation (Norton, 2011)

3. https://batesoninstitute.org/warm-data/

4.https://coherentbreathing.com

*This article originally appeared in my Psychology Today Blog, July 24, 2025 and was revised and repurposed for Substack.

I was eighteen, still had my Peter Gunn haircut, hot combed by Damascus Sam the Barber on River Street Across from the Riverside Erie Station, a cobblestone street going under the massive dark steel overpass next to a slaughterhouse smelling with crying cattle sounds, where I had my first train ride to Jersey City for a boat excursion to Bear Mountain,

Commuters from the suburbs made quick eye contact from their elevated steel path through Paterson to Wall Street like on-time clockwork over red brick factories and dye houses where my grandparents, parents, and relatives toiled in child Labor,

Sam was philosophical, one of the first immigrants from the Middle East, believing good grooming was the key to success; he was perfectly manicured and smelled of Old spice to be emulated,

After a familiar same-as-always haircut, I drove across one of the several nineteenth-century bridges that created a fortress from the then-surrounding all-white towns up to Montclair College, from the corner of my eye, glanced at a red-haired freckle face girl,

Her presence was like a gypsy painting under a tall maple tree with sunlight reflecting on her easel, I pulled over to see her painting, looking up she said I'm painting youwith a beard and long black hair,

I asked her if we could meet for coffee, tomorrow at 10:00 at my summer job in the Orange Hospital print shop was her response; the flower dress sparkled even more with colorful jewelry, she went back to painting without saying goodbye,

Called out as I walked away; I am reading Herman Hesse do you know of him, the next day I maneuvered myself through the broken glass, vacant lots, poverty, and burnt-out houses of what once was a well-manicured city to get to the hospital,

She had two cups of coffee waiting, smiled, handing me a xerox copy of Siddhartha, introduced me to the author as she read several passages, nodded in approval as if looking to give some shelter from this surrounding storm,

I drove to my business class, the perfectly dressed professor saw my copy of the book I was carrying, said I should change majors; everyone giggled, and further, you don't look good in a business hat, go find your calling,

I went home that night, read my xeroxed copy, switched my major to philosophy the next day, and in my unlocked car was the painting of me under the maple tree with a black beard and long hair.

*Honorable Mentioned Award, Allen Ginsberg Poetry Awards, February 7, 2026, to be published in the Paterson literary Review, Vol.54, 2026

We can never be quite clear whether we are referring to the world as it is or to the world as we see it.” — Gregory Bateson

Anger happens. It is just a human emotion looking for an understandable and manageable context. It is confusing as Carol Tavris described in her classic book, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. Why is this so, and how does it relate to these trying times?

There is a famous phrase coined by Alfred Korzybski, “The map is not the territory.” He used this to explain how our imposed models of reality are different than the things we encounter. The implication for anger is there are very few one-size-fits-all solutions that work for everyone to deal with it. We all have different temperaments, cultures, family of origins and learning styles. It is an ongoing process looking to create and communicate a harmony that mimics nature and it is all about relationships. However, when it is repetitively manifested through blaming, retribution, and suppression of others, these admonitions eventually become believed as absolute truth as is occurring in many ways in our current socio political situation. This perpetuates a narrow view of anger and a consequence to create a conflictual division to suppress others with patterns of aggression and misinformation.

Displaying Anger

Source: Photo by Vera Arsic from Pexels

Understanding how to deal with changing conflictual patterns is no easy task when there is anger that is expressed in an adversarial manner. It gets stuck and continues to escalate endlessly in situations that end up similar to an arms race to see who has more bombs. Another prevalent form of conflict is the suppression and domination of another individual, group , racial, religious or political party through dictatorial authoritarianism power. Either way the result create a double bind of being between a rock and a hard place. This is where a wider perspective or lens is needed to create a context of lessening injurious patterns of runaway expressed anger.

We may and should, in many cases, use maps and words to orient ourselves: to drive on the correct side of the road; ethically live by some sense of a golden rule as the founders of our country meticulously debated in developing our constitution that would allow us to hike freely in the mountains without disrupting nature ‘s way of adjusting to adversity.

However, today in our society we live in a maze of tension and paradoxes that tax our nervous system, producing fear and an increasingly run away anger. This occurs because no one-dimensional map conveys the nuances of the interconnected things we experience. A walk in the forest for instance includes, if we use our senses to the fullest, different critters affecting the soil or a falling branch nurturing its habitat. In other words, we have options in our everyday world to collaborate and make adjustments to allow the flow of foresting, educationing, providing in an ecological harmonious way. Each and every context i.e parenting, work situations, judiciary decisions, media coverage, faith gatherings, blending of cultures, healthy distribution of wealth and so on all with many interactive possibilities that regardless interfaces with each other. This is a source and solace for humans when life is allowed to be interdependent and not have injurious interference like retribution or selfishness, untruths and violence that disrupt a natural order as demonstrated by how nature adjusts to maintain herself.

Anger as an emotion demonstrates how vulnerable we are to life’s inevitable contradictions. It is a process that has been evolving for as long as our species has existed. It has dealt with survival issues and easily defaults to historical adversarial means, especially when the sympathetic revved-up part of our nervous system is challenged by uncontrollable exponentially driven conflicts or suppression of others, all well documented by history. Yet as also documented by the rewriting of history in authoritarian attempts to justify and have controllable power.

If you are a snake, feeling trapped, you have three choices, aggressively bite with accelerating anger, usually a fatal self-prophesy; do nothing and deal with unresolved consequences; or hiss, and increase your chances of eventual win- win resolution. The latter through persistence, protests and resistance to forms of anger that hinder nature's intent allows a path to widen our perceptional lens, a “zooming in and out” method to seeing wider connections and creating new harmonious possibilities. This is the only way to curtailing runaway anger and harmful suppression that stops the natural relational interdependency of all the parts of our world. It also allows mutual dialogue that encourages collaboration soothing our vagus nerve, the human nerve that regulates our sense of security and compassion.

Any artist will admit that conflict is the grist for creativity and can be a source to temper one’s state of mind. Michelangelo for instance worked with dirty-looking slabs of granite to create his masterpieces. Strangely there is also humor in conflict, as demonstrated in professional “wrestling” or articulated by any stand-up comic. Humor however dissipates and turns to that run away anger if solutions, checks and balances are not available.

We can rant or blame or join in a discussion of warm collaborative interaction in a social safe collective manner. Do we have to look any further than contemporary situations of war, road rage, intense polarization, environmental havoc, violence or increasing relationship discord? There is no need or healthy purpose in minimizing past hurts or condoning injurious situations. The reality beyond the map is that we cannot change the past. We can, however, learn from it and use a win-win communication approach to avoid pain and messing with mother nature.

Life can sometimes be painful, like a watch with a bent gear still working but telling the wrong time. However, understanding how to think out of the box and be wild in an ecological part-to-whole manner can produce less adversarial and more respectful outcomes. This will meet the needs of a healthier world. It frees us to evolve collaboratively.

We are meant to mutually learn within our relationships and nature. When interaction evolves this way, improvisational dialogue occurs and the experience becomes as Nora Bateson believes, a process described as Sammathesy, which generates “... mutual learning contexts through the process of interaction between multiple variables in a living entity.” It encourages us to evolve as we were meant to and put our inevitable anger into perspective. Carol Travis believes that well expressed anger is an empathic call to “Pay attention to me. I do not like what you are doing. Restore my pride. You are in my way. Danger. Give me Justice. Anger is the human hiss.” It is time to utilize what is available trough the ballot box and through dialogue,individually, collectively and assertively to address making a difference that makes a difference in how unresolved anger, conflict, and suppression are threatening the present balance of what can emerge to create a healthy evolution of our species.

Here are some prompts to help you contextualize and further explore anger and ways to address it in its run away state. If possible, share these prompts doing with another and/ or in groups:

How would your life be different if you could assertively express your concerns during a tense moment? What ways can you help with the injurious consequences of unresolved anger personally and globally?

How do you think another sees you when you have a disagreement or conflict with them? What means exist to mitigate the situation in personal, community, and sociopolitical settings.

How is it to be with you?

In what situations do you feel angry? How can you work with others to address injurious consequences of aggression and harmful situations?

Can you remember addressing your anger when you were young?

How do you define anger?

Was anger expressed in your family of origin? If so, how?

Can you remember a time when how conflict in your life was unresolved?

Using all your senses, describe what conflict and anger means to you and how it can be transformed to resolve injurious patterns.

Consider taking a Warm Data Training, sponsored by the International Bateson Institute, https://www.warmdata.life/wdtraining

References

Bateson, Nora, (2023). Combining, Triarchy Press, Devon, United Kingdom.

Korzybski, Alfred (1994). Science and Sanity: An Introduction to Non-Aristotelian Systems and General Semantics (5th ed.). Brooklyn, NY: Institute of General Semantics.

Silvestri, Kenneth https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202411/how-to-walk-on-the-wild-side

Tavris, Carol. (1989). Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. New York: Simon and Schuster.

“The familiar is not the only way”-Nora Bateson

“One ought every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”—Goethe

“Talisman”

Source: Copyright Natasha Rabin / Used With Permission

It is no surprise that most problems emanating from within our culture can be traced to an inability to work through paradoxes. Carl Jung recognized that this was an impediment to “comprehending the fullness of life.”

A paradox consists of statements or situations that may seem to contradict each other but are different parts of a larger perspective that have an element of truth. Surprisingly, they offer a means for healing and enlightenment and are the soul and source for comedy, conflict, and aesthetic creations. We learn and unlearn from their inevitable presence. A classic example is the statement: “This sentence is false,” or Bob Dylan’s, “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.”

Getting through a paradox is like having a satori moment or a breath of fresh air since they point to a wider reality; it is both a mystery and a joy when it is celebrated. However they can be devastating, when they are not understood and resolved, (e.g., “Do you love me, but why do I have to ask you”). They can be dangerous when based on lies and manipulation. Such consequences are polarization, and those unenviable no-win double binds of “stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

Double binds are not uncommon during stressful times, as exemplified by authoritarian attempts to alter reality, use politics as a means of retribution, and suppressing human rights. This creates sabotaging relationships and the overuse of the “fight or flight” part of our nervous system. It eventually compromises the vagus nerve, the nerve of compassion and security, creating ongoing stress which is at the root of all chronic emotional and physical illnesses.

In nature, for instance, there are no dichotomies, seemingly contradictory forces or paradoxes eventually come together in an ecologically balanced manner. Check out the immense complexities that maintain a meadow or forest or for that matter earth itself. This can seem messy and beautiful at the same time, but nature constantly moves towards an optimal existence, especially if human interference is curtailed. Yet in our Western-based culture, we easily miss how nature works, as seen presently in our current socio-’political-environmental crises. Its origins are from the overuse of cause-and-effect thinking, greed, discrimination and power that emphasizes content over context and a disrespect of diversity. This is in stark contrast to the basis of Eastern cultural thinking and many indigenous cultures whose world views support systemic collaboration and interdendency which is more aligned with nature.

Just as ignorance can misguide us, the grasping of one’s potential through understanding the limitless possibilities that are available to us can be the path to our enlightenment. Paradoxes are just another tool to make your life work the way you want it to. When we confront the core of our paradoxes and respect our interdependency with nature the result is that we can find the true meaning of our lives.

John Fox, author of the book “Poetic Medicine,” asserts that “… a way to weather the storm of paradoxes is to express one’s self courageously through poetry.” Poems are a profound segue to mutually share and learn from each other when feeling down and/or having the sensation of being stuck, especially in times of crisis. They transcend normal subject/predicate language. It can take the form of a simile, which makes comparisons between two quite different things using “like” (“I am like a _____”) or “as” (“I feel as if I am____”) and focuses on creative tension that may be useful for emotional and physical healing.

You can also try composing a metaphor, which consists of words and symbols to unite two different things into a new reality. This becomes clear if you make two columns: one list of things that you may need for your personal sustenance, and another with words that nourish you. For example, you may need a “healthy diet” and connect it to a nurturing word like “peaceful. “Now think of ways that create connections between those needs and nurturing words, such as in this case, creating a “stress-free atmosphere” during dinner. There are no formal rules, judgments, or grammar restrictions. Read Maria Mazziotti Gillan’ s “ Writing Poetry to Save Your Life” for insights and prompts to find your courage to express yourself and mutually share with others.

After making several of these connections, imagine yourself in a comfortable place where you can process this exercise and best describe your feelings and things you can touch. Look at your present immediate environment. Then, as if you have a zoom lens, widen your view to include a peripheral community perspective and ways to share in a blending and tending to and the needs of others.

Pause for some Coherent Breathing, developed by Stephen Elliott. Take a few deep breaths by inhaling for six seconds then exhale for six seconds accompanied by a positive thought. Then zoom back to your original view and focus on your part of being interdependent with others and nature.

Write down how you felt about your needs and the ways that will make you feel more whole and healthier. Make note of any possible insights that arise from your subconscious which can evoke positive energy from your own background. Pay heed to all you have ever experienced which is also part of the collective unconscious reservoir of how others made these connections.

Try answering these questions in a poetic form that relate to Maria Mazziotti Gillan and John Fox’s assertions:

• What painful things do you most want to speak out about?

• What is it you can no longer avoid?

• What do you want to courageously sing about?

• How can you share your insights on working through unresolved paradoxes that result in conflict?

• How have recent political issues and actions that undermine the rule of law challenge our sense of interdependency?

• How can you visualize the interconnections of the different contexts i.e. schooling, media, religion, family, work etc.

• In what ways can you express the need for change in our present political and international state of affairs?

• How can you describe ways to dissolve polerazation?

Write a short poem based on the first line of your answers to each of the above questions. After writing your poems, create an affirmation that reinforces your sense of self and what directions are available to you and your community. Examples of affirmations can be I am creative; I respect my power to communicate; I am passionate toward others and life. Use your own words, mostly verbs to express the active inner dreams, desires, and aspirations that you may have deep within yourself.

Sharing the poetic gift of challenging paradoxes is the recognition of who you are and how to enhance your relationships and create a reciprocal connection with others. It is a way to create a mass movement to share and mutually act in unison to create differences and change. The expanding interfacing contexts resulting from this journey is your liminal opportunity to understand and explore your interdependence with others, nature, and all that you encounter, especially now as we work together through life’s inevitable conflicts

*This article has been revised and updated from my Psychology Today Blog of January 2021 to address present contemporary issues.

**For further information about my practice and poetic examples see my media and publications section on my website: www.drkennethsilvestri.com

Related articles:

https://medium.com/illumination/how-to-minimize-despair-in-unsettling-times-redefining-anger-and-hope-57ba19ef94d3?sk=5f92a9a44f13ae15c4e58ce92413f5f6

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202411/how-to-walk-on-the-wild-side

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202408/how-to-cope-with-social-polarization

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202507/reframing-fear-embracing-empowerment

“Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give.” —Eleanor Roosevelt

“ Something is no part of something else” —Gregory Bateson

Being altruistic is commonly defined as selfless concern for others. It is often discussed as reciprocal to empathy, which is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another (see my previous post on the topic). Nicole Karlis, in her book Your Brain on Altruism, writes that it may be time to reframe altruism not just as personal restoration but as something communal. I cannot agree more. We know the mind-body benefits of helping others and of understanding one’s feelings. However, the research only hints that empathy and altruism are often used superficially and are challenging to maintain in our hectic society.

“puppy love”

Source: (c) Natasha Rabin/used with permission

As Mahatma Gandhi expressed, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” My friend and author Mehmet Yildiz takes this one step further by advocating for us to “listen to the story behind the story.” How can we overcome what stifles our ability to work together to tend to the needs of others? I believe that finding our way to recognize our interdependency means going beyond the words altruism and empathy. This entails using all our senses, body language, tone, etc., to understand how to communicate in an analogue manner what lies hidden between us.

Ursula K. Le Guin describes this ongoing process: “Nothing remains the same from one moment to the next, you can’t step into the same river twice. Life—evolution—the whole universe of space/time, matter/energy—existence itself—is essentially change.… The more things go on moving, interconnecting, conflicting, ever-changing, the less balance there is—and the more life.”

When you desire to blend with the feelings of others with selfless concern, you are interfacing interdependently, including the environmental contexts that house us and feed our emerging evolution. Tending to each other’s needs is sharing what we are, mingling with one another within the simultaneous contexts that surround us. James Baldwin believed, “I have always felt that a human being could only be saved by another human being.”

Altruism can be sustained when it becomes a creative communal process that addresses past insensitivity and injustice. It can create new contexts, like a garden that needs to be groomed, to bridge the harm caused by polarization and the unnecessary conflict occurring within families, communities, and government. Nicole Karlis notes that “the research does show that in-person…that’s where you’re really going to have those optimal health benefits,” especially on the communal and broader levels of society.

When the process of tending to the mutual needs of others is what is between us, we are using our potential to create what relationships are about. It opens the door to the complexities that surround and are intermingling within us. It allows for resolution of divisions, conflict and polerazation.The word altruism rightfully dissolves into the interdependency of our interfacing.

The perceived parts of imposed separation and fragmentation of which we have been trained to accept become in relationship. We become connected and able to inquire as to what surrounds us, be it the many intricate processes in the meadowing, foresting, learning, loving, parenting and so on. We are able to understand where the edge is of everything and how it is mutually related. Complexity is now visible. This is real analoging that goes beyond our senses and limiting digital forms of communicating at each other.

Working Toward Reframing Altruism

Here are some prompts and suggestions for working with others to learn how to mutually reframe altruism.

• In what ways can you mingle or communicate with others in a win-win volley about strategies for navigating the multitude of separate health institutions and medical disciplines?

• How can you work with parents and interested community members to help make children’s educational experiences more meaningful and relevant to their individual needs?

• What possibilities exist for mutually sharing and learning from others how best to tend to everyday needs across different contexts of economics, religion, family, health, politics, work, schooling, and the media?

• Describe experiences and feelings that make a difference when you lose yourself in the service of others.

• Does the word altruism describe all aspects of your experience of having concern for others?

• In what ways was altruism discussed or modeled in your family of origin?

• Can you remember a time when you avoided caring for another, and how has that affected you?

• What regrets do you have about missed opportunities to tend to the needs of someone else?

• Allow yourself to relax your mind and body, breathe coherently (six seconds to inhale and six seconds to exhale), and visualize interacting with those who are essential in your life. Consider how tending to their needs might differ from your previous patterns of communication with them.

• Read my earlier post about empathy and create a plan to utilize empathy and altruism in a more ecological way to achieve a sense of mutuality and interdependency with others in your community.

• How do you view altruism in the context of giving donations vs. caring in non materialistic ways?

• Gather a group of friends and discuss how to tend to the needs of others in the contexts of work, education, culture, economics, the environment, and media.

• Keep a journal of narratives in which you feel that being altruistic has made a difference in your life and in the lives of those you interact with.

Most of all, enjoy the rewards of being part of a wider communal effort to bring peace and harmony to our world.

“There must be Ghosts all the country over, as thick as the sand of the sea. And then we are, one and all, so pitifully afraid of the light.” - Henrik Ibsen

Note: This holiday post is updated and revised from my book, “A Wider Lens” that I feel is especially appropriate to share during this season to help with your personal and interpersonal well-being. Wishing you all a safe, peaceful and joyful holiday.

Warmly,

Ken

This holiday season, when rituals and celebrations are plentiful, take the opportunity to look at any past and current hurts with a wider lens in order to move forward in creating peace for yourself and others .

Source: Photo by Kenneth Silvestri

To begin with, it needs to be understood that as humans, we cannot totally avoid injury or pain. Even Ghandi’s philosophy of “ non-violence” based on the sanscrit word Ahimsa was misinterpreted. It actually meant the lessening of inevitable every day injury. In my experience “forgiveness” which is also misinterpreted in its original meaning is a process that can help resolve past emotional pain. First of all it needs to be reframed as not condoning or minimizing any past hardships we have had or are now feeling. It is for oneself — to choose to live in the present and not allow past or present sadness to continually produce unnecessary pain that will hinder your relationships with others and beyond. We all have some form of a grievance that is embedded in us. It may, in many cases been hidden but it none the less becomes heard or triggered. When this happens it activates our “fight or flight” part of our nervous system, which becomes revved up. This part of our nervous system is great for reacting to a life-threatening situation but injurious to our mental and physical health. When it is overused, (i.e. during the good and unfortunately the bad of family and friendship get-togethers, as well as societal stressors,) we can lose insight as to the meaning of our lives especially during the holiday season.

Don’t Be the Victim

When we have unresolved pain, there is a tendency to act the victim and create demands of others based on past hurts that we cannot change. However, we have a choice to make a difference in our framework and access the parasympathetic nervous system (the “calm down” part.) This can be accomplished by mindfully focusing on being grateful for what is and can be good in our world without devaluing the needed changes to allow, expand, and sustain our interdependency with all that exists.

The first step in this process is to acknowledge your feelings so you can allow some self empathy. When you are out of balance from a past unresolved concern that brought you pain for instance you lose perspective, this is the time to widen your lens and view what is presently the “wrong” that may be upsetting you. While doing this you need to simultaneously accentuate your positive persona and avoid having it overtaken by your negative persona or “shadow side”. It is a commitment to make peace with yourself, and a prerequisite to inevitably extending it to others. Again it is not about minimizing any hurts, it is about changing your grievance story. It allows you to be free to assertively deal with the wrongs and pain that may surround you, as well as being free to deal with the current political/socio situations.

Stop Reliving Your Pain

From this standpoint, forgiveness is not for reconciling with the person, thing or events that upset you. Instead, it sets a goal to let yourself go to a spiritual side that does not blame or hinder your well-being. It is a way to stop reliving any pain and unnecessary dwelling on the negative. By getting the right perspective on what is happening both personally and societal wise, you will recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurtful feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are experiencing now, not what offended or hurt you two minutes or even ten years ago.

Make Peace with the Suffering

Uncomplicated grief for instance is easy to handle, i.e. you missed your movie, or the grocer was out of your favorite food. Complicated grief is when you credit your bitter bank and become a millionaire in bitterness. The tale of woe gets bigger and keeps you connected to negativity in the past. The gap between what you want and what you got is a paradox but also an important gauge as to your health. Since life can say no in so many ways, it is that natural part of nature’s inevitable pattern of yin/yang, life and death. We need to make peace with our afflictions in order to transform the energy of being hurt or disappointment to then deal assertively and make needed positive changes. Otherwise, we produce those infamous damned if you do and damned if you don’t double binds.

Each moment think of what may concern you, take a deep breath, widen your perspective and create a loving image of your optimistic possibilities to make personal and societal changes . This leads to having positive emotions as you now cope and resist being injured with confidence.

You Have Choices

During these times when you need to reboot from being upset, repeat widening your lens and breath softly. I recommend using Coherent Breathing developed by Stephen Elliott (https://CoherentBreathing.com), where you inhale for six seconds and exhale for six seconds with a positive thought. You can choose any view that you wish to see. Why not choose the life view that you want to live and share with others? This allows you to give up expecting things from those who will not give them to you, which only strengthens your being stuck with a grievance. If we cling to our hurts, we will live the pain. We cannot demand a return to desire but we can plan to get it in the present. Let go and soften yourself. You may become more vulnerable, but you will be more human.

Learning to forgive in this manner is not always easy because smart people can do stupid things. But good people have good intentions. My friend, John Welshons, writes in When Prayers Aren’t Answered, (Novato, California: New World Library: 2007) that “The acceptance of things as they are in this context does not imply complacency…the acceptance of things as they are is merely intended to alleviate suffering we habitually create in our minds with the desire to change things we simply cannot change.” He is suggesting that we put our energy as mentioned above in a positive present place. Have self-compassion. It is what we learn from any suffering we may have had in our lives. This is similar to the harmonious martial art, Aikido, which I have been involved over the past 35 years. When you take a hit you have a choice to give up or gather the energy that is around you and use it to blend with the attack and lessen its intent. It is wise at these moments to embrace your desire and way of living your life. Things just may have not worked out or the karma was beyond your control. You don't need to engage with someone or others who have nothing to lose, but you can protect yourself and interact where possible in the present.

When you apply that ability to redirect your energy in a non-demanding but assertive way, you will create an all encompassing supportive collaborative environment. If your grievance is with another or others, then the only way that you can move on is with an honest win-win volley that Nora Bateson describes as “Symmathesy,” which is “The mutual learning contexts through the process of interaction between multiple variables in a living entity.” This entails accepting our interdependency with all that that exists and that you are essentially in this process by initially loving yourself.

We are all fallible. But we have choices, and in most cases, they are based on good intentions. Nelson Mandela said that if you are bent on revenge you are basically digging two graves, one of which is your own. Instead of focusing on wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person or the institutions that hurt you more power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. When there is no revenge you are forgiving. It is your decision not to be defined by others who have hurt you. Remember that a life well lived is your best choice especially as you share it mutually with others.

*This article was revised, updated to 2026 and adapted from my book “A Wider Lens: How to look at your life differently.” The discussion on “Forgiveness,” was based on my role as Educational Director of the Stanford University’s Forgiveness Project, based on Fred Luskin’ book, “Forgive for Good.”

**Complement the above with my latest Psychology Today Blog on how to use a wider lens to enhance relationships: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-wider-lens/202512/how-to-use-a-wider-lens-to-enhance-relationships

***I am available for individual, couples, and family therapy as well as mentoring, supervision, Homeopathic Assessment and workshops/presentation. For more information see: www.drkennethsilvestri.com

****If you find this article useful indicate it by pressing the heart below or make a comment.

- John Steinbeck

Dear Friends,

Below is the link to my recently being interviewed on Positive Radio. Give it a listen as I discuss what it means to be using communication that is ecological.

The concept of a “wider lens is more than a metaphor; it is an active resource that helps us recognize that, whatever situational context you find yourself in, it is simultaneously part of and interfaces with a larger context. Simply put, we all have a built-in stereoscopic lens if we choose to use it. We can zoom in and out regularly as we assess every situation we find ourselves in to gain a systemic perspective. If you miss that opportunity, you may very well have difficulty encountering life’s inevitable paradoxes and their consequences, which are often solidified as a world of insurmountable opposites.

All my best,

Warmly,

Jen

“A lot of people think or believe or know they feel- but that’s thinking or believing or knowing not feeling.”

E. E. Cummings

How can we create new patterns to address the increasing epidemic of chronic stress? What comes with stress is fear. It is how our nervous system works; it is either in a calm state or one of being revved up due to a perceived threat. This is a prelude to being negative, according to Bruce Lipton in his extraordinary book The Biology of Belief. He addresses the need to make a difference by cultivating a positive mindset across all aspects of our lives and how “…you can live a life of fear or live a life of love. You have a choice!”

The positive aura of cherry blossoms

Source: (c) Photo by Kenneth Silvestri

How many times have you heard the phrase “accentuate the positive” when you’re feeling down on yourself? Well, there is much to learn from that adage. In a long-term study conducted by the University of Kentucky and the University of Minnesota, which followed nuns throughout their lifespans, novices were evaluated on how they perceived the glass as being either half full or half empty. The result was that individuals who lived their lives characterized by viewing life as “half-empty” had a lifespan that averaged ten years less than those who had temperaments that accentuated having a life being “half-full.” This is equal to one’s life shortened by having smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. (1.)

In another study at Stanford University, students who typically had a positive outlook were asked to think negatively for four minutes. Saliva tests confirmed that their immune system was lowered for four hours. Conversely, a group of students who received positive input had their immune systems improved for two hours. (2.) In Born to be Good, Dashner Keltner writes, “Positive thoughts are a biological mandate for health.” The takeaway here highlights how negativity undermines wellness.

Visualizing Better Outcomes

Here are some visualization exercises and suggestions based on my forty years of experience as a psychotherapist, teacher, and supervisor of aspiring therapists. They focus on alleviating stress-related issues and fears that will help you avoid seeing the glass as being half-empty.

Try imagining a silk thread pulling your head to an erect position. Allow your body to follow its direction. Let positive energy flow through you and around you. You can now begin to sense your surroundings more effectively; please remind yourself that you are multifaceted. There are no restrictions in this context. Open your being to connecting with others. Let your Chi or vital energy introduce your soul to yourself. Feel the energy flow from your belly to the outermost part of your body and existence. Relax your facial muscles; move your life energy downward to release all tension in your body.

Now, look straight ahead as if using a photographic lens, and see the walls of your room, the ceiling, and the floor without moving your eyes. Think about what differences you would like to make when dealing with the stresses of your life. Now, widen your lens with your mind’s eye and see your relationships within your community. Zoom out even further with your lens, and see yourself in a moment when you are part of nature. Savor the feeling of being independent with all that surrounds you. After a few deep breaths, zoom back to where you began and revisit the differences that you would like to make about dealing with the stressors that affect your life.

Stand up and walk with a new spring to your steps. Feel the balls of your feet touch the ground with new awareness. Each part of you is connected to the whole, which is now more than all the parts of the universe. You are now interdependent with all that feeds our existence. Share these feelings with a friend and look for the differences in your sense of what it’s like to be in a relationship with another.

Another way to encourage positive feelings is to open your heart by softening your stomach and breathing with compassion, a practice promoted by Dr. Mehmet Oz, when interviewed by Krista Tippett in her book Einstein’s God ( prior and unfortunately trying to become a politician ) he describes the heart as an organ that “doesn’t empty blood like a balloon letting out air. That is a very bland view of how the heart functions. It’s much more elegant than that. It twists the blood out the way you would wring water from a towel. You watch this muscle twisting and turning. It looked like a cobra being tamed by a physician who is managing it. When I saw this organ, I realized why it plays such an important role in our poetry, why it dominates our religion, why we associate the soul and love with a muscle.”

With this quote in mind, feel the results that positive emotions have on your heart. As you soften your stomach and breath slowly, think of something that makes you feel grateful and pay attention to what is now happening with your mind, body, and “heart.” Reflect on how this feeling can influence your communication and understanding of others. Ask yourself, how is it to be with me?

For a more profound relaxation of your entire body, try the following, which is best done while sitting.

Place your attention on your forehead. Imagine the muscles in your head are like a rope with individual twine. Feel the tightness of the day and to yourself say,” I will make my muscles in my forehead relax”. Imagine the muscles loosening up and feel the result. Progressively move downward, touching all your major muscle areas. Go to your face, feel the tension in your face, and to yourself, say, “I will the muscles in my face to relax.” Go to your shoulders and feel the tension release from your upper extremities, through your biceps and forearms, and out through your fingertips. Allow your back muscles to loosen and relax. Go to your lower extremities and will the muscles in your legs to relax.

Now, focus on your breathing. Feel the uniqueness of everyone, breathe softly in your stomach, and as you breathe in (Use Coherent Breathing, developed by Stephen Elliott, with a six-second inhale and a six-second exhale), feel a sense of gratitude toward something you have compassion for. Exhale and feel the compassion. Imagine a color that represents all the positive compassion you have. As you breathe in, feel the color replenish your circulatory system. As you exhale, imagine releasing all the tension and pain that may be present in your body.

After five rounds of coherent breathing, feel a positive color as you exhale, becoming an aura that surrounds and drapes you. Feel as it caresses and protects you. And with your mind’s eye, imagine the tension leave your body and dissipate into the horizon. Now, focus on your navel, a point about an inch below your belly button. Feel the difference that you’ve made in your mind and body; anchor it in your center, allow it to settle in, and know that it will be there for you in the future if you need to access it.

Remember that when we are upset or stuck, it is difficult to be positive. Additionally, negative feelings that give rise to statements based on what “should have happened” are not beneficial. We need not be the wound. Richard Bach wrote in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, “You don’t have to argue for your limitations, they are already yours.”

References

1. Reported in “Trust & Dare,” Newsletter of the School Sisters of Notre Dame, (2014).

2. The Final Report, Stanford University Forgiveness Project, (2009).

*This article was updated and repurposed for Substack from my Psychology Today Blog on April 5, 2025

**I am available for individual, couples and family therapy; coaching; supervision and workshops/ presentations. See: www.drkennethsilvestri.com